Up to our neck in alligators

By Mike Fak

[FEB. 22, 2001]  I love this town. You can have St. Louis. You can keep Chicago or even New York City. Only in the town of Lincoln, Ill., could a mayoral race have alligators as one of the topics of debate.

In the event you are a breathing human being, you must have heard about the Lincoln Police confiscating mayoral candidate Jason Harlow's two pet alligators, Damien and Chewy. To make matters worse for Harlow, he was cited for a violation of the endangered species act and was forced to watch his two little pals transported down to Springfield to a nautical halfway house while this whole toothy issue gets sorted out.

Harlow has claimed this filching of his pets was politically motivated by either Beth Davis or Mayor Joan Ritter to stymie his attempts to beat both of them in next week’s primary. Chances are the truth of that matter will probably never be known and all we have is Harlow's conjecture as to the reason for the legal usurping of his pets by Lincoln's boys in blue.

The police say they acted upon advice of State’s Attorney Tim Huyett, but Huyett has been quick to advise us he was informed of the incarceration of the mini-predators after the fact and has stated for the record that although alligators are considered part of the reptile family that the whole affair is a bit fishy due to its timing.

Lincoln Police Chief Ludolph has walked an excellent backward step by saying that Huyett was informed of the procurement but that the police did not necessarily receive instructions from the state’s attorney to bust up this ring of future cowboy-boot creators.

 

Jason Harlow, in the meantime, is forced to worry about his two little pets and whether they will be returned, set free in Florida or be sent to alligator heaven.

I usually like to say "only in America." Sometimes it seems I have the availability of saying "only in Lincoln."

I know some of you will feel I am making light of Harlow’s two little pets. I'm sorry if it seems that way, because I can understand how a person can become attached to a family pet. I have had dogs and cats in my life, and every one of them carries some fond memory in my recollections. To be honest, I never had a pet that had 40 or 50 teeth shaped like razors, but hey, at 21 inches long, does anyone really consider these alligators dangerous?

 

[to top of second column in this commentary]

In the event the city really wants to put the bite on dangerous animals, they need only talk to the daily runners, joggers and walkers in this community. Every one of them will tell you the addresses of dogs in this community that, for want of a better word, are dirt mean. On many occasions these animals also have free reign over the neighborhood they intimidate without worry of being sent to a pound or their owners being cited for unleashed and dangerous pets.

In my three years of writing, I have received perhaps a thousand calls, letters and communications regarding various topics. None, however, has come close to the number of complaints I have received about a nasty dog chasing after a Lincolnite just trying to use a sidewalk.

I doubt seriously if a Lincoln jogger will ever write me a letter stating they have been chased by a baby alligator as they foray through the streets of Lincoln. But, hey, this is Lincoln and one never knows.

It is not up to me to decide what precipitated this whole episode. Perhaps Harlow is correct in his statements that this is a political move to undermine his running for mayor. Perhaps he is, in honesty, dead wrong and is just a victim of his own press releases, since he has been going about town telling everyone he has baby alligators. You folks can decide the reality or falsehood of his claims.

For me the issue is as clear as the Florida swamp was before man moved to the Everglades. In the event there is a law prohibiting the maintaining of alligators as pets in Logan County, Harlow is wrong in having the little buggers. In the event the only law Harlow is supposed to have broken is that his diminutive little pals are dangerous, I’m sorry. I have to tell authorities. Get real.

[Mike Fak]

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Will someone please tell me
the answers to these questions?

By Mike Fak

[FEB. 17, 2001]  When I am reading my daily newspapers or listening to my favorite news shows, I write down little questions that I have regarding something in the news that just doesn't make any sense to me. Later I spend some time trying to find the answers to these little mysteries or at least try to figure out what the heck happened regarding the story. Invariably, it seems some things just end up being beyond my feeble brain capacity to figure out, and I put them in a "What the heck is this about" file. Well, my file is overflowing, so I am writing some of these questions in this article in the hopes that someone like yourself, more enlightened than I, can e-mail me with an answer.

Question: Bill and Hillary Clinton by almost every standard are wealthy people. Hillary also just got $8 million to write a book she hasn't started yet, so... Why did these two steal the silverware? Why did they take out of the White House a TV set and a couch that were gifts to the nation and not personally to them? Are they kleptomaniacs? I need to know who gave the White House a couch as a gift? What was that all about?

Question: Why did federal prosecutor Scott Lassar allow Dean Bauer, then Secretary of State George Ryan's top aide, to plead out on the license-for-money scandal? Why have we spent millions of dollars trying to find out what really happened in that office and then make a deal without demanding testimony from the one person who really knows what happened?

 

Question: I have read 12 newspaper accounts of the American sub destroying and sinking a Japanese fishing vessel in the South Pacific. Every account mentioned "civilians" were working some of the controls. Why didn't one newspaper tell us who these civilians are? Are they politicians? Are they heavy financial backers to the Navy program? Surely they aren't regular people like you and me. When was the last time any of us received a phone call from the Navy saying, "Hey, do you want to drive one of our submarines this weekend?" Why hasn't a single reporter thought it was important to tell us who these "civilians" are?

Question: Why are Republicans spending so much time and money investigating the Clinton pardon of Marc Rich? Granted, Rich deserves nothing but a long visit to a jail cell and Clinton should be ashamed of himself, but why are Republicans fixated on the pardon. Rich will never come back to the U.S., because he would be thrown into civil court (à la O.J. Simpson) regarding his bilking of thousands of Americans and would have to give up his fortune in legal settlements. Why isn't something like the fact all of us are facing backbreaking heating bills while oil and gas companies set record profits something that Repubs spend their time on?

 

[to top of second column in this commentary]

Question: Does anyone else beside myself find it bizarre that Gov. George Ryan just presented the new "friend of tourism" award to his wife, Lura Lynn? Whatever happened to the old disclaimer "Employees and their families are not eligible for this contest"?

Question: Jesse Jackson has a nonprofit agency dedicated to funding educational tutoring for poor minority children in urban areas. Last year this agency collected $12 million dollars in contributions but doled out only $47,000 to the schools working this program. The IRS, by the way, says they only audit agencies that report financial statements that cause a "red flag" to come up. How the heck is the fact an agency had $11,953,000? in expenses and only $47,000 in disbursements not a "red flag"? I believe I would have been audited. How about you?

I have a lot more questions that need answers, but this is a good start. If you have the answer to one of my conundrums, please e-mail me care of LDN or at mikefak@msn.com. Please, please, please don't send me a question about something in the news that doesn't make any sense to you. I have only so much room in my office.

[Mike Fak]

Click here to comment on this article.

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