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[to top of second column]

 

An important letter for parents facing challenging children

4-4-02

Dear Editor:

Recently, there was an editorial published (the editorial referred to was not published in Lincoln Daily News) that made a reference to "tough love" that was incorrect, though a very common misconception about the TOUGHLOVE® program.

My name is Rebecca Boughan, and I am the TOUGHLOVE® coordinator and am speaking only for our local TOUGHLOVE® Parent Support Group of Logan County. I would like to provide a more accurate explanation about TOUGHLOVE® as well as some of the background of how our local Parent Support Group has come into existence.

I am a parent with teenagers, who are/were demonstrating destructive behavior. One of my sons recently died. When I think back to assess how my kids started this behavior, I can remember my husband and I having conversations about adolescent difficulties, boys will be boys, stupid kid stuff, it’s just a phase, and so on. Somehow, over time, those minor difficulties escalated into major difficulties. Situations gradually increased, causing us to be frightened, feel inadequate, shame, guilt and FRUSTRATION. Yet, the problems continued regardless of any corrective actions we took. But the problems are not just in our family. The problems are also in our culture — a culture that supports and maintains destructive behavior. Ironically, society provides our kids with a false sense of power and independence, which is fostered through drug and alcohol abuse. Troubled/problem kids have lost respect for authority.

You often hear: "You know what is wrong with kids todaytheir parents. " But parents are people too. We may have kids, but we are also people. People with problems. People with limited resources and who may or may not be able to afford the "perks" of today’s lifestyle, such as designer clothes, stereos, video games, whatever it is that our kids want this week. That’s a reality. People who may not have the emotional energy all the time; that’s a reality too.

Society today fosters the idea that kids are our equals: NOT. Our culture has come to believe that privacy is a right that kids should have; but, we tend to forget that, because of our kids’ behavior, the family’s privacy is invaded. The privacy argument then becomes an issue of equality. If your kid is NOT your equal, then you have the right/responsibility to go into their room, check on their academics, monitor their activities and who they are associating with, verify their reported destination, or speak with their friend and/or other parents at any time to make sure that your home’s standards are kept.

Society has also become enmeshed in blame. Whoever or whatever is to blame for a young person’s behavior doesn’t matter. The problem is: No one takes responsibility. Blame keeps us all helpless. TOUGHLOVE® is about dealing with the problems — not blame. If blame is important, it can be dealt with later.

When kids are acting out, parents’ frustration level is HIGH. Parents are too frustrated to function clearly, and it affects everyone. But, especially parents who feel responsible for the behavior of their kids but, seemingly, have no control. Rest assured that we, as parents, have as much control to influence our kids as our kids have over us.

The TOUGHLOVE® program does NOT advocate throwing kids out of the home. TOUGHLOVE® asks parents to take action. Take a Stand. Make a Statement, "I will no longer tolerate…." By taking a stand, parents acknowledge the problem.

Next, TOUGHLOVE® asks parents to take a small step toward their stand. Demand that their kids be responsible for their own behavior.

TOUGHLOVE® groups help parents take a stand by supporting the small steps — the bottom lines. These small steps, in turn, put your kids in crisis. Your kids now have to determine how they are going to change their behavior, because your behavior has changed. The button pushing doesn’t work anymore.

In order to accomplish these changes, we, as parents, need and rely on community support. Support from our law enforcement, schools, churches, other family members and our TOUGHLOVE® group. It is important that we be involved with other people during these changes. No one in the community can accomplish change alone — not the schools, not the police and not the parents. Yet, we all care about the kids. Perhaps, together, we can make a difference.

Please remember that the essence of family is cooperation. Cooperation is essential. If your kids love you too, that’s great, but the kid that brings a parent to TOUGHLOVE® doesn’t love them right now. That kid must know that they must cooperate, be helpful, be a member of the family. Through this process, our kids will learn to live in an adult world. The most important lesson that we, as parents, must teach our children.

Our TOUGHLOVE® Parent Support Group of Logan County meets every Thursday evening at 7 p.m. in the meeting room at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Lincoln, Ill. Every parent is welcome to attend and learn more about our program. We will be glad to see you, but we will be sorry you have to come. I also invite any parent to contact me if they have questions or just need someone to listen: 732-9693.

Sincerely,

Rebecca G. Boughan

Coordinator, TOUGHLOVE® Parent Support Group of Logan County

 


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Please send your letters by e-mail to ldneditor@lincolndailynews.com or by U.S. postal mail to:

Letters to the Editor
Lincoln Daily News
601 Keokuk St.
Lincoln, IL  62656

Letters must include the writer's name, telephone number, mailing address and/or e-mail address (we will not publish address or phone number information). Lincoln Daily News reserves the right to edit letters to reduce their size or to correct obvious errors. Lincoln Daily News reserves the right to reject any letter for any reason. Lincoln Daily News will publish as many acceptable letters as space allows. 


 

 

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