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"Teens understand if a brother or sister is treated differently, as
long as there's a good reason for it," said University of Illinois
researcher Laurie Kramer in a recent study of adolescent siblings in
74 two-parent families. Amanda K. Kowal and Jennifer L. Krull of the
University of Missouri at Columbia were co-investigators. "In
fact, kids expect and want their parents to be aware of their unique
characteristics and different needs," said Kramer, a U of I
professor of applied family studies. "It's reassuring for them to
know their parents are paying that much attention."
Kramer told the story of a friend whose parents were so concerned
about treating their five children alike that the siblings always
received the same sweater for Christmas. "Now the kids may have
thought that was fair -- equal treatment and all that, but it didn't
generate a lot of family warmth or a sense that their individuality
was respected."
What Kramer thinks is important is that perceptions of unfair
treatment don't go unaddressed. "People are more inclined to think
differences in treatment are fair when they have an explanation for
it. Unfortunately, the data shows that discussions about
differential treatment don't happen very often. And, when families
don't talk about the reasons kids are sometimes treated differently,
the children make assumptions and interpret their parent's behavior
in ways that may not be correct."
Kramer said an explanation can be this simple: "I saw Mark has a
hole in his jeans, so I'm going to pick up a new pair for him on the
way home from work. You don't really need new jeans, but you could
probably use some socks, so while I'm there, I'll pick up some socks
for you."
The researcher asked teens in the study whether their parents
generally treated them differently than their siblings in regard to
different types of behavior: amount of time spent with parents,
demonstrations of affection, praise, frequency and severity of
discipline, and so forth.
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"Kids are more likely to say they're generally treated fairly
rather than unfairly," Kramer said. "When we look at the responses
to all of these questions, we can see patterns. And when there's a
pattern of differential treatment, that may be a problem."
Such a pattern can lead children to conclude that one sibling is
the favorite. And when that issue occurs, it can be very
significant. "We all know stories about favoritism in families and
the anger and resentment those situations caused," she said.
Kramer acknowledged that parents may feel closer to or more
comfortable with a particular child because their personalities
complement each other. Another sibling may require more attention
because he has a learning disability. Kramer urges parents to be
honest with themselves and figure out ways to connect with kids who
may be feeling left out.
"If children feel like they can talk to their parents when they
think they're being treated unfairly, often they can help sensitize
parents to situations that may need to be changed," she said.
"But you can't make things come out exactly the same, whether
it's dollars spent on Christmas presents or minutes spent helping
with homework. It's important to tell kids, 'It's our intention to
be as equal and fair as we can be, but we're not always able to do
that, and it's not because we care more about one of you than the
other,'" she said.
"And this study shows the parent-child relationship isn't always
in jeopardy when siblings are treated differently. It depends on
whether kids believe that their parents are generally committed to
treating everybody fairly."
Kramer's study will soon appear in the Journal of Family
Psychology. Funding for the study was provided by the United States
Department of Agriculture.
[University
of Illinois news release]
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