By Slim Randles
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Church comes up with naming formula
We all read about Pastor Jeff's latest tribulation
in the local paper. Maybe tribulation is too strong a word, because,
after all, when someone leaves your church a huge legacy, isn't it
time for rejoicing? Shouldn't we all be walking around the walls of
Jericho tootling on ram's horns and beating the drums in jubilation?
It seems one of Pastor Jeff's former church
members -- a kinda strange former church member -- went off to the
city some years ago and became a fairly well-known painter of
pictures. When this eccentric artist went to that great studio in
the sky recently, leaving no family, his will left everything to
Pastor Jeff's congregation. There was a little money, which was
welcomed, naturally, but the main item was paintings. More than a
thousand of them. They are now the property of Pastor Jeff's church.
They have filled the basement with them and they're threatening to
crowd the pie-cooling counter in the ladies' kitchen area, which
just can't happen.
They must be sold, of course, but there is one
catch: None of them are named, and everyone knows a painting must
have a name or else it's not a real work of art. These
paintings are from the school of abstract expressionism, which means
there's a lot of bright paint on them, and if you can look at one
and figure out what it's supposed to be, the artist failed.
A painting-naming committee was formed,
naturally, and the last we heard, had about a dozen paintings named,
based loosely on what some wild curve or blob on the canvas brought
to someone's mind.
Of course, down at the Mule Barn truck stop's
philosophy counter and world-dilemma think tank, we came up with a
solution in about three cups' time.
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column in this article]
The trick, we decided, is to blend nonsensical words together,
because anyone who would buy one of these paintings has an obvious
contempt for reality in the first place. So we came up with a
formula. Make a list and name a painting --
You simply pick one from
one column, one from the other column, slap 'em together and there
you go. With seven in the first column and 11 in the second column,
the naming committee can instantly name at least 77 paintings. And
this was just during three cups of Mavis' best.
A hardworking church committee could name a
thousand paintings during one of Pastor Jeff's sermons and be back
in business in time for the benediction.
Brought to you by "Ol' Max Evans, the First
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