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Well, when the director (make that "sole employee") of our local
chamber of commerce needs advice from the best minds in the county,
he'd naturally show up here in his white shirt and tie to learn from
the best. We all sat up a bit straighter and adjusted our gimme caps
to a jauntier angle. In situations like this, Doc is our usual
spokesman, having more initials behind his name than the rest of us.
"We're here," said Doc, "our advice is free and worth every penny,
and our attention is focused solely on you, Delbert ol' boy. What's
up?"
"Boys, we need a celebration, a festival, a real humdinger of a
blowout."
"And you need me to play the accordion?" said Dud.
"No, Dud," said Steve. "I think the idea is to attract people to
come to it."
"That's right," Delbert said, grinning. "We need something really
unique to bring people here. Calaveras County has its frog jumping,
Mojave has turtle races, Hinkley has buzzards. Deming has duck
races. Anchorage has an ugly dog contest. We need something to call
our own. See what I mean?"
"A varmint-oriented wingding, as it were," said Steve, nodding
sagely beneath his cowboy hat.
"Precisely," said Delbert, grinning and rubbing his hands.
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"Relax," said Dud. "You've come to the right place."
And we sipped, and considered, and broke down into actual
thought.
"Are nude footraces out?" said Doc.
"Afraid so. Yes."
"Bedbug jamboree?"
"No way, Dud."
"Gopher golf? You know, hit the ball in gopher holes instead of
on the course?" said Doc.
"Or," suggested Steve, "a Who Flung Dung competition using
seasoned horse leavings. You know, separate contests for accuracy
and distance."
Delbert looked at him. "You're a sick puppy, Steve, you know
that?"
"I've got it!" said Doc. "We could have a huge dance contest
where everyone dances with a drain pipe! Call it the Rollicking
Run-Off Romp!"
Delbert groaned. "I see we'll have to open this idea to the
public."
[Slim Randles]
Have a good Home Country celebration idea?
Send it to this paper, or e-mail
ol_slim@yahoo.com. Winner gets an autographed book from Slim.
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