 Review by
Richard SumrallAccording to some estimates, as many as 40
million people regularly visit pornographic websites on the Internet. This
growing addiction to Internet porn (or cybersex) can have a destructive
effect on relationships, marriages and children. In their new book,
"Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem," authors Rory C. Reid and
Dan Gray help spouses and addicts "avoid destructive behaviors by helping
couples assess the problem together, gauge realistic expectations and begin
the process of recovery."
The book is divided into four sections -- confronting pornography
problems, disclosing pornography problems, abandoning pornography problems,
and help and support for the other spouse.
Confronting addiction to pornography means recognizing the telltale
signs. Reading and understanding these signs can better prepare you for the
realization that a loved one has a problem and can help you confront the
issue in a meaningful way. Part of the communication process anticipates
your spouse's reaction, a reaction that can run the range of emotions
(denial, resistance, defiance, remorse or ambivalence). It is at this point
that some healthy boundaries should be developed with your spouse. These
boundaries help couples "establish limits that provide the optimum
environment for healthy intimacy to flourish."
Sometimes it's the addicted partner who chooses to disclose a problem
with pornography. There can be a genuine fear of disclosure; in fact, "they
fear that their disclosure may place the marriage at risk." However, studies
indicate that "the majority of marriages stay intact if both partners are
willing to work through the problem together." The authors suggest a
multistep disclosure process that includes taking a personal inventory of
the behaviors, getting supportive feedback from a therapist, preparing the
spouse for the disclosure and accepting the consequences of the disclosure.
Remember that following such a personal declaration, your spouse's
feelings are just as important as yours. In working to abandon a problem
with pornography, it is imperative to restore trust in the relationship and
earn forgiveness from your spouse. There is an element to this forgiveness
that can lead to disagreement. According to the authors, most women believe
that their husband's addiction to pornography is tantamount to cheating. Men
see this differently; consequently, husbands "often downplay or minimize the
significance of the impact of their choices and subsequently prolong the
healing process."
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Couples can develop a strategy for a cure through the use of a
functional behavior assessment, or FBA. Therapists use the FBA to
"determine the function of the behavior and what influences might be
antecedents or perpetuators." The assessments are "designed to
evaluate behaviors in the context in which they occur." The FBA is
based on four components: predisposing risk behaviors and
susceptibility to behavior; precipitating risk factors and
antecedents to behavior; target behaviors and behavior patterns; and
perpetuating risk factors and actions that maintain behavior.
Since the spouse can be vulnerable at this time, you want to
avoid the pitfalls of complacency; these pitfalls can lead to a
return of destructive habits. Try to help the afflicted spouse
maintain a level of "sobriety" through therapy and cultivation of a
balanced lifestyle.
The toll of addiction to online pornography can emotionally
devastate the partner; learn to care for yourself. This begins with
the realization that you're not to blame for the addiction.
According to the authors, most people with this problem have had a
long history of accessing Internet pornography before they met their
spouse. Support systems for both partners are always available in a
community
-- family, friends, religion and counselors. Since the stress of
helping a spouse combat this problem can be overwhelming, you have
to remember to care for yourself during the recovery process. In
other words, "Consider planning a priority or activity that makes
you feel human, valid and worthwhile."
One final concept of the recovery and healing process is the "new
normals," which are established when couples do not want things to
"return to normal." New normals are formed in a relationship when
"each partner has to focus on the other person, accurately
understand each other's needs and respond to those needs in a manner
consistent with traits that cultivate intimacy."
"Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem" is an important
contribution to the growing body of literature on the subject of
cybersex addiction. According to Dr. Sheila Garos, "The authors have
articulated a concise and relevant model that provides readers with
the tools necessary to begin healing the shame, loneliness and
helplessness that often accompanies this extreme retreat from
intimacy." This book is recommended to anyone who is suffering from
an addiction to Internet pornography or knows a loved one who is
suffering from this problem.
[Richard Sumrall,
Lincoln Public
Library District] |
