 I love the holiday season with all of its ups and downs, and I
usually have a lot more ups than downs (especially with my drains).
However, I could use a little help during this time of year since
there are so many things that need to be done.For example, I love
to shop for gifts, but I don't like to wrap them. You can't give a
naked gift, though. It's just not done. So I need some help
wrapping. Does Merry Maids do that?
I would love to buy a "Wow!" gift for each person on my list. The
problem is that "Wow!" gifts usually cost a lot, and I never seem to
have enough money to get exactly the right thing for everyone. Of
course, I also want to put something in the Toys for Tots bin and
contribute to the Angel Tree and put a little something in that
hanging red pot next to the guy making that incessant ringing bell
noise in front of every department store. I figure if I pay him,
he'll stop ringing the darn bell. He doesn't play nice, though.
I love to eat Christmas cookies. The smell of anise and chocolate
chip cookies brings back so many wonderful memories. But I burn at
least 50 percent of everything I bake, and that smell is not very
nostalgic. Now, because of my incompetence, my kids' memories will
be that of burnt cookie dough. I may have started a whole new
tradition. My great-great-grandchildren will probably burn a batch
of cookies every year in memory of me.
I'm not exactly a creative cook either, but my turkey and
stuffing usually come out moderately decent. What I wouldn't give
for the skills of Julia Childs, though. To be able to put on a
spread that deserves a standing ovation is a long-term dream of
mine. Instead, my cooking tends to result in loose fillings, a
cracked cap or the evacuation of some child's two front teeth. I've
always related well to that popular holiday favorite: "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." That kid's mother must've been
a lousy cook, too.
One thing that annoys me is that I can never find a large enough
turkey at the grocery store. I need a 24-pound turkey for our large
family, but the largest I can find is 18 pounds. Do two 12-pound
turkeys have the same amount of meat as a 24-pounder? Even if they
did, my cookbook doesn't tell me how to cook two 12-pounders. They
assume that sane people cook only one turkey at a time.
[to top of second column]
 |
 The point is, I need certain things at the holiday season that I
don't usually need. The No. 1 thing is... time: time to finish all
the cleaning chores that we women obsess about. Your carpet can have
Kool-Aid stains on it all year long, but not during the holidays. As
a result of all this cleaning, my hands are as dry as the Sahara in
July. So I need lotion and rubber gloves.
Throughout all of this pre-holiday activity, I still need to type
out my column, too. I need a few typists just to do that. Of course,
my computer needs to work for that, and it tends to break down just
when I am the busiest. My husband is a technological wizard, but
he's too busy fixing other people's computers to deal with my
"little problems." I need some little, tiny, on-call elf-nerds
living inside my laptop. They can fix it when it glitches. Maybe
Santa has a few of those lying around.
I need folding chairs, folding tables, folded napkins and maybe
even someone to fold the laundry. I wonder if the Wrapping Merry
Maids would fold laundry, too? Probably not.
Most of all, I need sleep, which, being as exhausted as I am,
would almost certainly be possible if my true love was not also a
sleep-talker.
When, on the 12th day of Christmas, he -- my true love -- asks
what I want for Christmas this year, I'll tell him:
Twelve plumbers plumbing,
Eleven typers typing,
Ten lords a-sleeping,
Nine ladies baking,
Eight maids a-wrapping,
Seven hundred dollars,
Six teeth a-staying,
Five folding things,
Four calling nerds,
Three French chefs,
Two rubber gloves,
And a 24-pound turkey.
If my true love will grant me these things for Christmas, I will
never again ask him to fix my computer, wrap a present or take a
plunger to our toilet.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com. Or visit
www.lauraonlife.com for
more columns and info about her new book.
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