Call it "MBAs Gone Wild" or "Survivor: Wall Street," since the only thing missing were tribal councils of teammates talking about their deep disappointment. For instance:
-BP's chief resigned after admitting he lied to a judge about how he met his boyfriend. (The truth: An escort service's Web site.)
-HBO's CEO was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend in a Las Vegas parking lot. He explained in a memo to employees, "Two years ago, I decided that I could handle drinking again. Clearly, I was wrong."
-WellPoint Inc.'s 53-year-old chief financial officer was defenestrated after one of the many women who said she was engaged to him sued. Among his other attachments was a pair of sisters. If you're wondering what this lothario looks like, sorry: He looks like a 53-year-old CFO.
-Starwood Hotels & Resorts Worldwide Inc.'s CEO left in a hurry, amid reports he'd exchanged racy text messages with underlings. (He denies it.)
Here then are the year's winners and losers, with prizes for their achievements, dubious and otherwise.
LOSER: John Browne.
During Browne's 10 years as CEO of BP PLC, the company's market cap increased fivefold. But Browne also ran BP while a refinery blast killed 15 and a corroded BP pipe in Alaska led to the disastrous 2006 Prudhoe Bay oil spill.
That's not what got him ousted. It was getting outed. Browne was done in by lying to a judge as he fought a British newspaper that was preparing to publish details of his life with his boyfriend.
Despite the black eyes BP suffered under him, it was this misstep that Chairman Peter Sutherland called "a tragedy that he should be compelled by his sense of honor to resign in these painful circumstances."
Browne's prize: Life coaching sessions with former New Jersey Gov. Jim "Gay American" McGreevey.
WINNER: Al Gore
Al Gore, who hugs trees and does a slideshow on their behalf, cleaned up in 2007. He won an Oscar, a Nobel Peace Prize and
- perhaps most lucratively - a partnership working on alternative energy companies at Silicon Valley venture capital firm Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers.
While Gore has said he'll donate his salary to the Alliance for Climate Protection, he didn't mention what he'd do with stock options he earns. Typically, a venture capitalist's big windfall comes from cashing in options when companies the firm invests in go public.
His prize: A fun night out with Tipper.
LOSER: John Mackey
So, you run a company. Why not go online and post your opinions using an anagram of your wife's name?
Umm, because it might be really humiliating when people find out?
That apparently didn't occur to John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods Market Inc., also known as Rahodeb, his online alias for eight years as he made detailed comments about his company and its competitors.
The Federal Trade Commission noticed Rahodeb's postings as it reviewed Whole Foods' proposed purchase of competitor Wild Oats, a company Rahodeb had slammed repeatedly and in detail.
The merger closed, but the Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating Mackey's postings. And Whole Foods, very quietly, tightened its online posting policies in November.
To Rahodeb, who defended Mackey's hairstyle, (exact quote: "I like Mackey's haircut. I think he looks cute!") we award a hairbrush made of organic hemp and a board with the backbone to whack him with it.
WINNER: Sam Zell
Jeans-wearing, motorcycle-riding billionaire Zell takes to heart the dealmaker's most basic maxim: Buy low, sell high.
He sold his Equity Office Properties Trust to Blackstone Group L.P. for $24 billion, netting him an estimated $1 billion. Then he made a deal to buy battered Tribune Co. for $8.2 billion in April, but his actual outlay will likely be a fraction of that, since Zell agreed to invest $315 million, while the bulk of the company's debt is taken on by Tribune's employee stock ownership plan.
His prize: The services of a top-flight labor lawyer.
LOSERS: Charles Prince, Stan O'Neal
Proving again that chief executives are the only ones with nothing at risk if their companies slump, the Merrill Lynch & Co. and Citigroup Inc. CEOs retired suddenly as declining mortgage holdings shrunk their banks' assets by billions of dollars, but both men managed to leave rich.
O'Neal left Merrill Lynch & Co. with a $161.5 million package of stock and benefits despite a $2.24 billion quarterly loss on his way out
- the largest ever at the bank.
Then Citigroup said CEO Charles Prince was retiring, effective immediately, following Citi's announcement that it would take $8 to $11 billion in asset writedowns, which came on top of $6.5 billion it had already taken.
Prince parted with a total of $95 million. While far more modest than O'Neal's package, both men bagged the loot despite failing at one a CEO's most important tasks: Grooming successors. Both banks named interim heads while they scrambled to find new CEOs, with Merrill quickly bringing in an outsider.
Prize: Investment advice from Sam Zell.
WINNER: Jamie Dimon
Dimon, who was pushed out of Citigroup in a power play, proved that an unwieldy banking conglomerate could be functional. Under his leadership, JPMorgan Chase & Co. avoided the subprime dunking competitors suffered.
Dimon was pushed out of Citigroup 1998 by his one-time mentor, former Citi CEO and Chairman Sandy Weil. When Weil left Citi's board in 2006, employees held up a banner at the annual meeting that read, "Thank you, Sandy!"
His prize: Another "Thank you, Sandy!", this one from JPMorgan shareholders.