 "It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. We have no skin, but
we have extraordinary skills and our exoskeleton is bulletproof.
We're ants, not mice, troops!"Now what we have here is a big ol'
house filled with people. Where there are people, there is food for
ants. Our spies say there are five people at the moment. There used
to be seven, but the largest two offspring have gone, so maybe food
will be a bit more scarce this year. However, they were also the
ones who used to chase us around with magnifying glasses, so we'll
consider their absence a good thing.
"We've had some drones doing some reconnaissance for us this
spring, and they have discovered that the smallest people in that
house are the most ready source of crumbs.
"None of them lean over the table when they are eating, so their
food falls on the floor, where it is easier for us to retrieve. Even
when they are not eating, crumbs simply fall off them wherever they
go. They are, literally, a walking, raining smorgasbord! It's as if
they are on our side!
"So, men, this year our strategy will be to simply follow the
smaller people around and pick up the buffet. It's like getting
takeout without making the phone call!
"The larger people, of course, aren't as benevolent. In fact, if
they see us, they will run for that foul-smelling spray. So, men ...
don't let that happen.
"We'll have part of our battalion at every door and window. When
one of them is opened by a person wanting to get a whiff of that
fresh spring air, we'll make our move."
"But sir, what if they don't open a door or window?"
"Private, when in the history of history did a human not want to
let the spring air inside?"
"Right, sir. Sorry for asking such a stupid question, sir."
[to top of second column]
 |
"OK, then. The unit at the opened portal will go in first and spread
out looking for the small people and their bountiful moving feast.
When one is spotted, he'll send a soldier back to tell the rest of
us where he is. "Then -- and this is important, troops -- we go in
single-file and blend into the cracks in the floors and walls, like
little ninja ants. Invisible. If any of you breaks rank, the large
people will see us and it's all over. When the bounty is found, each
of us takes whatever we can comfortably carry and marches back to
the nest.
"Now, I don't want any heroes here. I know that we ants can carry
many more times our weight, but remember what happened to Harvey
last year.
"He went in all cocky and grabbed an entire kernel of cooked
corn. He had to drag it backward because it was so big. He didn't
see the little human driving his Lego car across the crack in the
floor. Fortunately, Harvey dropped into the crack, but the kernel of
corn got stuck in the wheel of the Lego car and squished into the
fibers of the new carpet they just installed. That could have been
Harvey ... or any one of you guys. So, no heroics, OK?
"Oh, and men? One more thing: If you ever see what looks like a
shiny black house with the delicious aroma of peanut butter wafting
from it, stay away from it! Remember Hansel ant and Gretel ant?
There's nothing but bad things in there. I don't know exactly what,
but anyone who has ever gone in one of those has never come back
out. Don't let your greed make you do something stupid. Stay with
your group and we'll all make it out alive.
"Are you ready, men?"
"READY!"
"OK, it's spring! Let's go!"
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books. |
