|
 I know they are here because they
leave lots of clues, almost as if they want me to know they are
here. Maybe they are ghosts, or elves, or malevolent little pixies.
I even know their names because apparently my kids know them and
have called them by name:
-
Nott Mee -- an
Oriental madman
-
Ida Know -- a
sneaky thief and promoter of anarchy
-
Ididint Dooit -- a mastermind of
catastrophic events
If I could just catch one of these miscreants, I would call the
police and have them all hung by their little toes. These elves, or
ghosts or whatever they are, are ruining my home and making it look
like my children are doing it. Despicable! A classic
bad-guy-sets-up-the-innocent ruse.
Of course, my children are little angels. This morning, I asked
them who was experimenting with the blender and pancake mix and left
a trail of gooey stuff all the way to the bathroom.
"Ididnt Dooit," said one of my angels. I knew it! But just to be
sure, I asked another one.
"Who decided to fling the mix around the stove and counters so
that it would harden into little yellow cement puddles and make it
virtually impossible to remove?"
"Nott Mee," she said. Aha! Ididint Dooit had an accomplice who
was apparently thoroughly trained in the art of mess-making. I mean,
he is good! The mess he made was such that one would need a
sandblaster to rectify the situation.
These evildoers will not go unpunished, but I have to catch them
first.
Until that time comes, I have taken to putting out notes, just to
let them know I'm onto them.
[to top of second column] |
-
In
the bathroom I left a note that said: "Dear Ida Know, Please be
more careful when brushing your teeth. It's very difficult to
see around the globs of toothpaste that you have smeared on the
mirror. (Although, I have to say your toothpaste illustration of
Calvin urinating on a math book is very good.)"
-
In the laundry
room: "Dear Ididint Dooit, Your clothes are, of course,
exceptional, but as far as I know, they do not have the ability
to transport themselves to their respective drawers. Please
assist them."
-
In the kitchen:
"Dear Nott Mee, Chocolate pudding is to be eaten at the table.
If you feel the need to eat off the floor, please inform me of
your decision, or you will be required to buy me a new pair of
socks."
-
"Dear Ida Know,
Although it shows a certain creativity, please refrain from
lining up the kitchen chairs like a choo-choo train. Are you
also the one who keeps stacking up the couch cushions? Or is
that Ididint Dooit? If so, please speak with him about it."
-
"Dear malevolent pixie-ghosts, The next
one of you cretins who uses four kitchen towels to mop up a
Kool-Aid spill, leaves them in the sink, and tries to cover up
the evidence with leftover ravioli, carrot peels and the dregs
of your Ramen noodle cup will be drawn and quartered!"
Ideally, I'd like to catch one of these villains and duct-tape
them to the wall, but something tells me that's never going to
happen. They're just too good.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books.
 |
