 After the happy sighs, I look into the mirror. First, I'm disgusted
with myself and my mirror. Then I scold myself: "Why, oh why, do you
do this to yourself every year?!" And only then, do my thoughts turn
to self-improvement.Those are the Three Stages of New Year's
Resolutions.
This year I'm going to do something really different. Well, yes,
I indulged in bad-for-you foods for a month and a half -- just like
every year. And yes, I went through the Three Stages of Resolutions
-- just like last year. But this year, I'm resolving to lose
weight... OK, that happens every year, too.
What's different is my methodology. Many self-improvement books
will tell you to determine what your goal is, find someone who made
it there, and then do what that person did. Don't try to reinvent
the wheel. If someone else has done it, then simply take the same
path.
So, OK, I want to have a figure like Jennifer Lopez.
Unfortunately, Ms. Lopez does not post her eating habits on the
Internet. I can imagine, though, that she must eat things that I
wouldn't find in my kitchen. Things like seeds, roots and tree bark.
Even so, if I could follow her around all day, every day, eat what
she eats and do the same exercises, I could look like Jennifer
Lopez. I am conveniently forgetting genetics here, and I'd
appreciate it if you would as well.
Obviously, Ms. Lopez's bodyguards would have an issue with
letting a lunatic like me follow her around, so the only other thing
I can do is call in Ebenezer Scrooge's ghosts and let them take me
where I need to go. That way I could observe, without being
observed.
Well, I called their agents and The Ghosts of Past and Future
were available except for two weddings and a funeral in March, but
Present, the one I needed, was booked until May. You see, I'm not
the only one with these harebrained ideas. The Ghost of Christmas
Present must be in high demand at this time of year.
So... That's not going to work.
[to top of second column] |
I began to think: Who is where I want to be, weight-wise? This
person must be someone I can have access to 24/7. It must be someone
I wouldn't have to pay. My eyes lit on my 10-year-old daughter. She
is skinny as a rail (a skinny rail), happy as a clam (how do you
know when a clam is happy?) and healthy as an ox (do oxen ever get
sick?). We have a winner! I observed her eating and exercising
habits. By the time she was ready for her breakfast of a giant
orange and an Oreo cookie, I had been awake for three hours. After
the first hour, I scarfed down a raspberry-filled doughnut to stop
the hunger pangs. She spent the rest of the morning lying on her
back on the sofa with her feet and arms straight up in the air
balancing a throw-pillow on them and peering between her limbs at
the TV. I lay down on the sofa, but I couldn't get my feet up that
high. I fell asleep during "iCarly."
Lunch was precisely six seeds from a pomegranate that she would
"save for later," 10 mini carrots and a piece of peppermint bark
from a Christmas gift basket. "I'll be darned," I thought. "Skinny
people really do eat seeds, roots and bark!"
Not surprisingly, around 3 o'clock, my daughter got hungry and
had a handful of pretzel chips. I finished off four pieces of
peppermint bark... What? It's on the diet!
She then went outside and performed 978 revolutions with her hula
hoop. I couldn't manage four in a row. I decided that hula hoops
only work for people who have a waist.
I wondered what Jennifer Lopez was doing right now? I made a new
New Year's Resolution: Next year I would book The Ghost of Christmas
Present early.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books. |
