Features

Laura on Life

Fashion-Blind

By Laura Snyder

Send a link to a friend

[February 20, 2008]  I was blessed with many wonderful things in my life, not the least of which is my family. One thing that I am sadly lacking in, however, is fashion sense. I am reminded of this lack each time I go to a mall and realize that any outfit that is displayed on those creepy mannequins is not one that I would find myself wearing, unless I did it accidentally.

I am assuming that those outfits portray the current trends, but most of them do not answer the one question I use to determine whether I should wear one of them: "How do I keep the "girls" from falling out of that?" A simple misstep while bending over to pick up a 2-liter of soda that fell off my grocery cart could be a disaster!

Therefore, I must assume that the women who wear the current trends never pick up anything or they are not as heavily endowed in the north as I am. Too much freedom for my northerly assets is likely to result in them straying from the fold, so to speak.

I learned that lesson years ago when I allowed them to wander and they decided to go out on the town without me. It wouldn't have bothered me so much, but they had a curfew of 1 a.m. and they never called to tell me they'd be late. I worried about them all night.

OK, then ... getting back to the point: I wouldn't know fashion if it slapped me in the face with her perfectly manicured hand.

My 10-year-old daughter probably has more fashion sense than I do. Unfortunately, I don't really know if she does or not. When she appears before me every morning wearing her latest clothing concoction, I don't know whether to applaud her unorthodox style or send her back to her room to try again. In my mind, if it's uncomfortable, it's probably fashionable, so that's how I judge.

"Isn't that uncomfortable, honey?"

"No ... it's not."

"Well then, you'd better go change."

[to top of second column]

It's not so much of a problem with the boys in my family. After all, they wear mostly jeans and a T-shirt with some smart-aleck comment on it. Although, I have come to the realization that the amount of jean material touching the floor and the subsequent lack of jean material covering their behind is, in fact, a fashion issue. They pull the jeans down, we pull them up. Down. Up. Down. Up. It's like constantly adjusting a set of mini-blinds.

Other than that, fashion for boys is not as difficult a terrain to traverse as girls' fashion. Thank goodness for that, because three of my boys are colorblind. There are times, however, when they use this handicap as a convenient excuse for a fashion faux pas. Years ago, one of them wore a plaid bathing suit with a striped T-shirt. This look has probably been in fashion at some point in history -- in fact it may be "in" now and I wouldn't know it -- but at the time, it hurt my eyes. So I told him that stripes don't go with plaid. He retorted indignantly, "Well, how was I supposed to know that -- I'm colorblind!" Apparently, he was also temporarily pattern-blind.

Of course, I know there are fashion rules that concern the popularity of a certain name displayed on an article of clothing and the sticker price of a pair of sneakers. However, these are rules that I blatantly ignore -- on purpose, which is why the fashion police have a warrant out for my arrest. They want to give me a frontal lobotomy, dress me in Vera Wang and install me in a Macy's display window. That should answer your questions as to whether those creepy store mannequins are real -- or not.

[By LAURA SNYDER]

You can reach the writer at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her books.

Editor's note: If you enjoy this feature, click here:
I'd like to read more "Laura on Life."

< Recent features

Back to top


 

News | Sports | Business | Rural Review | Teaching & Learning | Home and Family | Tourism | Obituaries

Community | Perspectives | Law & Courts | Leisure Time | Spiritual Life | Health & Fitness | Teen Scene
Calendar | Letters to the Editor