Laura on Life

Like Liza and Henry

By Laura Snyder

[March 05, 2008]  The husband and wife stood in the driveway next to their minivan, contemplating the flat tire. The wife was a know-it-all harridan. The husband was a patient, tolerant man, and he was not quite as simple-minded as his wife thought.

They tolerated each other for the most part, but only because the husband was willing to give his wife time to come to the same conclusions he already had. Because of the wife's superior attitude, however, there were many conversations like this one:

"There's a flat in the tire, dear wife."

"Well, then you should fix it, dear husband."

"With what shall I fix it, dear wife?"

"Use the air pump, dear husband. (Duh!)"

"The hose isn't connected, dear wife."

"Well, let me think...What if you connected it, dear husband?"

"With what shall I connect it, dear wife?"

"With a flippin' wrench, dear husband."

"Where shall I get a wrench, dear wife?"

"In that disaster you call a toolbox, dear husband."

"The toolbox is locked, dear wife."

"Well then ... gosh, what to do? ... oh, I don't know ... UNLOCK IT, dear husband."

"The kids dropped the key into a sewer drain, dear wife."

"Then use a screwdriver, dear husband."

"The screwdriver is in the toolbox, dear wife."

"Well, then, it only makes sense to buy a new screwdriver, doesn't it, dear husband."

"Where shall I buy one, dear wife?"

"At the hardware store; where else, dear husband?"

"How shall I get there, dear wife?"

"Have you ever heard of a car, dear husband?"

"There's a flat in the tire ... Got any other bright ideas ... dear wife?"

(Any similarity this column may have to the song "There's a Hole in My Bucket" is purely coincidental.)

My husband is much like this patient, tolerant man. He'd wait until I had exhausted all of my bluster, and then, wham! He'd prove his undeniable intelligence with a scathing comment that would peel the hide off a more sensitive person. Then the lights would come on in an "Oooohhhhh!" moment and I would be just a tiny bit ashamed of my attitude.

In the 27 years of our marriage, however, I have learned to be less critical in my conversations with him, and I give him the benefit of the doubt more often. There is no place for sarcasm in a marriage.

It's very embarrassing to think that you are queen of all you survey and then suddenly find out that you are simply human after all. Apparently, I need my husband to remind me of this now and then.

... I just hate it when he's right, though.

[By LAURA SNYDER]

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