 My mother used to be so concerned because, as she said, "Laura, if
you don't watch the news, how are you going to know what's going
on?"I always answered, "If an alien spaceship touches down or a
tsunami is headed our way, someone will tell me."
As time went on and my husband and I got better jobs and our
situation began to improve, we had to start watching the news
because, otherwise, how would we know about unemployment, inflation
and starving people? But it's still depressing.
Just once, I would like to hear an anchor person say they are
going home early because there is simply no bad news to report. You
never hear good news, and if there is no bad news, I swear, they
make something up. Good news is almost always couched in bad news:
"The Sierra Nevada
hiker whose boyfriend was eaten by a grizzly bear while he was
trying to get help for the girl when she fell into an underground
cave and broke both legs ... has been found. When her mother heard
the news, she had a massive heart attack. She is in intensive care
and is not expected to live."
So ... is that good news or bad?
In a way, I can understand the newsman's dilemma. Good news might
be slightly more uplifting, but they say it is boring. I decided to
re-create the morning news on a day when nothing bad happened.
"Good morning. This is Dusty Newshound, for WWWW News. I am happy
to report that, today, nobody is unemployed, inflation is in check,
and every single person on the earth got something to eat for
breakfast.
"The lumbermen took the day off from cutting down the rain
forest, so ... nothing to report there. There have been no global
threats from climate change, the World Health Organization or the
Iranian president. So, we can all breathe easier knowing that the
human race is safe for one more day.
[to top of second column]
 |
 "There are no
droughts anywhere except the Sahara Desert, so keep that in mind
when making your travel plans today. Speaking of travel, we are
entering our fourth month without a single plane crash.
"Statistics say
that 98 percent of teenage girls have taken a vow of abstinence
until marriage. The phrase 'Don't hand me no lines and keep your
hands to yourself!' has become cool. The other 2 percent didn't
get the memo and are expecting a little bundle of joy within nine
months!
"Cancer has been
cured, as has Dutch elm disease, athlete's foot, SIDS, AIDS, ADD and
the seven-year itch.
"In politics: There
has not been any yet this morning, and we are crossing our fingers
in hopes that this trend will continue.
"The stock market
is closed today in recognition and support of National Stroke
Awareness Week, so even stockbrokers should be able to relax today.
"Experts say that
nobody was murdered, abducted, killed in an accident or sexually
assaulted for the past week.
"Hmm ... Let's
see...news... Well, my neighbor, Mrs. Fatbottom, just groomed her
Pek-a-poo and now he looks like a Chihuahua that ran into the back
of a bus...
"Um...My daughter
tied her shoes today for the first time, all by herself. Good job,
pumpkin!
"And the tuna wraps
in the cafeteria here at the station are half-off today.
"In short, folks,
there's not much news today, so I'm going to go home and take a nap.
I suggest that you do the same, because tomorrow, there will be news
again."
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books. |
