Laura on Life

People will talk

By Laura Snyder

[October 15, 2008]  Women need to be so organized in order to make it through the harrowing hours of everyday life that they are sometimes very hard on themselves and other women.

The happiest women seem to be the ones who simply aren't organized. They are the ones who are constantly late. Their kids are always missing the parental signatures on "important" papers. They have to be contacted by phone on the day of the field trip because they misplaced the permission slip.

Their clothes are left at the dry cleaner so long that they're relegated to the lost-and- found bin.

But these women are happy! They don't care about what others think about them, so there is no stress about their apparent incompetence. I call these women the "Lucky Ones."

If you care about what others think, you will be under a massive amount of stress almost constantly. These women are called the "Stressed-Out Ones." (How original, I know.) Not only will the paper-signing become of paramount importance, but so will fashion, nutrition, fitness, beauty and political correctness. The entire family will have to adhere to the strict rules set in these categories because if they don't ... people will talk.

If you are a Lucky One, it's nothing to ask an acquaintance for your home phone number because you've forgotten it. Hey, you hardly ever call home, how would you remember such a thing?

Stressed-Out Ones would rather walk three miles than ask such a dumb question, because ... people will talk.

Men have it easy. They never talk about such things when they get together. Imagine a group of men getting together to watch a football game and "roasting" another man while he is not present.

"Did you see Mr. X's shoes?"

"Yeah. Where'd he get them? Wal-Mart?"

"Probably. He dresses his kids the same way."

"Really? According to him, his kids are perfect."

"Yeah. Perfectly awful."

Women are so detail-oriented that they pick up on everything.

Lord help you if you are with a bunch of women and your hand drifts anywhere near your face or hair.

Scratch your nose and they might think, "Was she picking her nose?"

Move the hair out of your eyes and they wonder, "Does she have lice?" or "When is she going to cut that mop?"

The Lucky Ones don't know about these things, and that is why they are so lucky. If, for whatever reason makes sense to you, a Lucky One would choose to be a Stressed-Out One, though, there are a few rules of thumb of which I have recently been made aware:

1. Keep your hands away from the rest of your body, even if you have to sit on them. If you have to sit on them, do it palms down.

2. Never drink soda that is not diet unless it's being used as a mixer. Drunk people are not looked down upon for their sugar intake.

3. Even if you have a special kind of love for white-powdered doughnuts, never bring them to a social function.

4. When you hear of a 59-year-old woman or a 14-year-old girl having a baby, never express your shock or dismay. This, apparently, is a happy occasion.

5. If you don't tweeze your eyebrows to a pencil-thin line, you will be considered a hick.

6. You must jog at least five miles a day, work out three times a week, and do yoga, Pilates or tai chi. Then you must -- and this is important -- express your dissatisfaction with your perfect body.

7. Never say anything nice about your husband or kids. If you can't say anything nasty, don't say anything at all.

Note to Lucky Ones aspiring to be Stressed-Out Ones: If you don't adhere strictly to these rules ... people will talk.

[By LAURA SNYDER]

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