Laura on Life

Teacher vs. Mom

By Laura Snyder

[October 22, 2008]  Dear Mrs. Snyder,

I am writing to let you know that your child has been scribbling on the desks in my classroom. This has been going on for some time, and I'd like you to talk with him about it.

Sincerely, Mrs. Teachem

Dear Mrs. Teachem,

I asked my child about his drawings, and he said he didn't know why he did it. I think it's merely an artistic outlet. He must be bored.

Sincerely, Mrs. Snyder

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Dear Mrs. Snyder,

Artistic or not (and the drawings really aren't that good), he cannot use the desks in my classroom as his canvas. Perhaps if he is bored, I could give him more work to do.

Sincerely, Mrs. Teachem

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Dear Mrs. Teachem,

I don't think more work is going to fix the problem. Why punish him for exercising his artistic talent? Perhaps you should provide him with paper so he doesn't need to draw on the desk.

Sincerely, Mrs. Snyder

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Mrs. Snyder,

Why don't I provide all my disrespectful children with paper and we can turn my math class into an art studio?

Mrs. Teachem

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Mrs. Teachem,

OK, now you're just being facetious. Let's face it: My child is just different from the rest of your students. Why are you trying to force him into some kind of mold?

Mrs. Snyder

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Mrs. Snyder,

I've got 24 square pegs in my classroom. The only thing that they all have in common is that they are all "different." My job has always been to prepare all those little square pegs for a round world. Some are simply more pliable than others.

Mrs. Teachem

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Dear Crazy Teacher,

Are you suggesting that my little square peg isn't a perfect angel? Well, maybe you're not a perfect teacher!

Mrs. Snyder

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Dear Over-acting Mom,

I am suggesting that if your square peg doesn't stop writing on desks, then McDonald's will fire him from his first job for taking orders directly on the counter in permanent marker. His life will then spiral downward, out of control, until he hits rock bottom. Then and only then will he resist the urge to write on hard surfaces.

Mrs. Teachem

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Dear Mrs. Know-it-all,

Perhaps his first job will be drawing those little cartoons on the windows of fast-food restaurants with shoe polish.

Mrs. Snyder

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Dear Mrs. Head-in-the-clouds,

As I may have mentioned, he's not that good.

Mrs. Teachem

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Madam Doubter,

And how is he supposed to get "good" without practice?

Mrs. Snyder

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Lady Lunatic,

Perhaps you could tell him to draw on your own furniture and appliances?

Mrs. Teachem

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Shows what you know, quack! He's already drawn what I think is a fifth-century depiction of an Egyptian tomb on my refrigerator. His medium was spray whipped cream. And the one I'm most proud of is the one on the bathroom wall that, I think, is a hairy big toe done in purple chalk. So lifelike!

Mrs. Snyder

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Now listen here, you Batty Broad… I'm sure you're very proud of your child's irrelevant accomplishments, but I must insist that he refrain from practicing his dubious skills on our classroom furniture.

Mrs. Teachem

~~

Teachers are simply communists with a singsong voice and an overhead projector.

Mrs. Snyder

[By LAURA SNYDER]

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