 We understood that if you love someone, you have to set them free.
If they came back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be.
This simple adage bridged the gap between the free-lovers who "loved
the one they were with" even if you were "with" someone different
every four hours, and the couples who took a vow of marriage with an
aside that, by God, their new spouse had better be faithful.At
some point that adage became distorted by a fear of abandonment. It
became less important for your lover to love you and more important
that he or she stick around even if they didn't love you … or else.
The adage was changed to: If you love something, let it leave the
house occasionally. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, hunt it
down and threaten its life.
The news is full of stories about people who, at one time, took a
vow of eternal love and commitment, and then, a few years later,
decided to permanently dispose of their spouse, using various
nefarious means. I can understand a couple who fall out of love.
That is acceptable. But when you feel the urge to do mortal harm to
one another, it's time to think about whether the marriage was meant
to be.
There are myriad reasons why marriages fall apart. Most of them
fall into the "irreconcilable differences" category that invariably
shows up on most divorce papers. Whether your differences are
irreconcilable or not is all relative, I think. Citing the sense of
entitlement that some of the younger generations have, it's all
about a couple's threshold of tolerance. But I would say that if
your thoughts are murderous, your differences are way beyond
reconciling.
Don't let some mediator or church official talk you into staying
with someone whom you believe the world would be better off without.
Remember that this may very well be your exclusive opinion. Divorce
is hard, I've heard, but so is 30 years-to-life. It was simply not
meant to be.
[to top of second column]
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 My husband and I have been happily married for 27 years. I'll
readily admit to times of frustration, unkind thoughts and an
occasional wish to be single. I've gotten so mad during hormonal
surges that appliances became airborne before crashing into walls. I
want to add here that the airborne appliances were never aimed at my
husband, and if I had aimed at him, I wouldn't have missed.
We've had many arguments over issues that are now in the "agree
to disagree" column on our marital ledger. But I've never once
dreamed of hacking up his body and hiding it in my freezer. I've
never once had the urge to put him permanently out of my life and
everyone else's.
We have a true respect for each other as human beings, not simply
as the other half of our marriage. Our marriage is a life separate
from our own. One we have to feed and nurture if we want it to grow
and stay healthy. If we can't work out a problem, we put it aside
and move on.
There is no sense in dwelling on a divisive issue unless your
motive is, in fact, to divide. If your intention is to be there for
each other forever, then your only options are to earmark the issues
that cause friction and either solve them in a way that is
satisfactory to both partners or flush the issue. If these issues
cause more than mere friction and your thoughts are leading to a
dark place in the basement of your soul, then flush the marriage
before anyone gets hurt.
This advice is coming from a couple with some success where the
longevity of a happy marriage is concerned. I'm not a marriage
counselor or a psychiatrist, but I can tell you for certain that if
you can no longer live with the part of your marriage vows that says
"for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in
health," and if "until death do you part" starts sounding like an
escape clause, then you need to move on because … it was never meant
to be.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books.
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