I know I will make my first chunk of money with my stop-smoking
handbook. I think I will title it "How to quit smoking in 40 years
or less." It wonít be too big a book, so maybe I will only charge
$10. In the world of stop-smoking paraphernalia, nothing is anywhere
near that cheap, so it might sell.
I also plan to figure out how
to inject nicotine into various foods that no one has thought of
yet. Yes, there is nicotine gum, but there could be so much more.
There could be nicotine lollipops, nicotine-flavored beer -- Iíll
bet that will be a winner -- also steak, eggs, chicken, all with a
nice dose of nicotine.
I will figure out how to freeze-dry nicotine so a person can put
it on their foods. I can just see restaurants with salt, pepper and
nicotine shakers on all the tables. Iím sure, eventually, I can come
up with a nicotine cookbook after people start trying my foods in
various measures and ways.
I can see me holding seminars on how I quit. It might be several
sessions long, as I will have to explain the 40-year process. I
could come out with an abridged version, I imagine. I could title it
"The 40 steps to quitting cigarettes." It would be -- Step one, year
one: smoke. Step two, year two: smoke. Step three, year three:
smoke, etc.; until I get to Step 40, year 40: quit.
I figure I might have to throw some comedy into that speech or it
might get a little boring.
There are companies that make wooden fake cigarettes, and I can
see how they can help with the hand-to-mouth habit of a smoker. The
problem is, they are way overpriced. So I will start my own factory.
All I need is a bunch of three-eighths-inch dowel rods and a saw to
cut them into four-inch-long lengths. Then I spray paint them white
and I can sell them for a buck apiece.
[to top of second column]
Now the companies that charge as much as $19.95 for these wooden
cigs claim that they use a safe, nontoxic paint and that adds to
their price, but that is bogus. Anyone who spent years sucking down
methane isnít going to worry about a little paint here and there,
unless I use that old lead paint I still have around. I might even
get fancy and offer nonfilter, filter and even menthol-looking
Maybe I should package them with some kind of
signature stamp on the side like Mikeyís Smokes. I could even have
an ad campaign and go national, but I fear then the government might
get involved if I become too well-known. I can just see "60 Minutes"
coming to the house because my wooden cigarettes have been found to
cause splinters in laboratory rats.
All in all, I think I have found my chance at really hitting the
mother lode of financial independence. Who knew all I had to do was
quit a miserable habit that now is making me miserable since I quit.
I have to go now. The semi truck of dowel rods just pulled up. I
also ordered a van of illegal immigrants to work the saws. I have to
keep my costs down, you know.
Just because I will be saving almost three grand a year by not
buying smokes doesnít mean I should just throw money away. I did
that for 40 years, I guess. We will see eventually if I threw
something else away in those years of smoking: me.
Click here to respond to the editor about this