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All I have to do is imagine what a bathing suit would look like on
my body and a part of my brain curls up into the fetal position.
Suddenly, even white powdered donuts look like a diabolical spy
trying to penetrate my defenses.
It doesn't really matter what you call it -- diet, detox, fasting
-- it's all the same word for starving.
I once lost 35 pounds on a low-carb diet, so I thought I'd try it
again. A low-carb diet is great. You get to eat as much as you want
of anything except carbohydrates like bread, sweets, fruit, potatoes
and rice. Though, as it turns out, those foods seem to be the only
ones that make you want to get up in the morning. So… that was a
problem.
When I whined about it one morning, lying on my side of the bed
like a corpse, my husband had an idea.
Jokingly, he said, "You know, I heard that Viagra is going to
offer a stimulus package."
My eyes rolled toward him and I managed a bit of biting sarcasm
when I said, "Well, you don't need any stimulation, so until Viagra
comes out with a little pink pill, I think we can pass on that
offer."
A little miffed, he got out of bed while I prayed my electric
blanket would short-circuit and give me the jolt I needed to start
another day. Why couldn't I like coffee?
My low-carb diet did get results, though. And I never felt
hungry. Of course, I never felt much of anything except tired.
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The hardest thing to get used to is figuring out what to have for
breakfast each morning. I couldn't have fruit or breads or cereals,
and there are only so many ways to cook eggs before they begin to
sport a pitchfork and grow horns. I began to experiment with
vegetable medleys. Perhaps if I put some peas in a bowl and poured
milk into them, I could pretend it was a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. But
though I could fake colorblindness for a short time, there was no
getting past the taste. Nope, definitely peas… with milk.
Carrots and yogurt, maybe? My stomach started to erupt at the
thought. Broccoli and cheese? It sounds good at any other time, but
breakfast was made for carbs.
So OK, what about meat for breakfast? I started with bacon
because, well, I associate bacon with breakfast. But bacon and
cottage cheese is… not good. And if I had to choke down another egg,
I just might have to start a campaign to sterilize chickens!
A banana turned out to be the end of my weight-loss program. Like
Eve, a seemingly innocuous fruit led me into temptation. Once I
allowed myself the sweet pleasure of fruit for breakfast, my body
would not stop at anything less than a cookie jar full of Double
Stuff Oreos.
"Take that!" it said. "How dare you keep me away from real food!"
When your body starts yelling at you as if it's a separate
entity, you know you've gone too far.
As I munched on my Oreos, I thought, "Bathing suits are highly
overrated."
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info. |
