 You probably don't get very many letters from people my age, but Mom
and Dad always said that Santa only brings gifts to people who
believe in him, so even though I'm almost 16 and haven't believed in
you for years, I'm going to believe in you today.I'm a little
older now and I don't really need any toys for Christmas, so I
thought I'd help you out by giving you a list of things I could
really use.
First of all, I'm getting kind of tired of my PlayStation, so
would you please put an XBox under the tree this year? I think we
can agree that I've been good enough for that.
There is something else I've always wanted: a pet ferret.
I promise I won't let it climb on the drapes or do its business
in your bed ... I mean my mom's bed. So... there shouldn't be a
problem with that, right?
Also, I'm going to be getting my driver's license soon, as you
know, so I think it's only right that, for all the times I cleaned
my room and remembered to take the garbage out, I should get a
Ferrari. A red one, please.
Don't know if you can do this, but I need to gain about 30 pounds
and some biceps. How is a skinny guy supposed to impress the girls
without any biceps? Of course, I know there's a bit of an issue with
wrapping a set of biceps, so if you want, you can simply use your
magic snowball and make me wake up with them on Christmas morning.
Oh, and one more thing. I need cash. Lots of cash. Twenties will
be fine.
You told me... I mean... my mom told me to write down what I
wanted for Christmas. Well, these are the things I really want. If I
don't see them under the tree on Christmas morning, well, then,
another piece of my innocence will have been cruelly stolen from me
by my heartless parents.
--A Hopeful Teenager
____
Dear Fledgling Con Artist:
How could you doubt my existence? If you are reading this note, I
know that you will have found the large X-box I placed under your
tree. That is, by far, the strangest gift anyone has ever asked for.
I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why you'd want a box with
"X's" all over it. Perhaps it's simply a place to keep all of the
other gifts you've asked for. "X" is a pretty cool letter, after
all.
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In your X-box you will find a Ferrari... a red one. It is quite
small, I know. You probably could not seat a Lilliputian in it
comfortably, but you can drive it by remote control! I knew you
could not possibly mean a full-sized Ferrari as that would be cruel
and unusual punishment even for a son... I mean, teenager... as
self-centered... I mean inventive... as you are. You see, a man
needs to learn how to discipline himself before he can be trusted
behind the wheel of a car that is not meant to go the speed limit.
Even if I could fit a full-sized Ferrari in my bag, and I'm not
saying I can't -- it's magic, you know -- I would be gifting you
with a very short lifespan filled with speeding tickets. I couldn't
do that to you. By the way, Lilliputians? You can read about them
in the "Gulliver's Travels" book you will find in your X-box.
Gulliver went many places and had tons of adventures, and he did it
all without a Ferrari.
Your X-box also contains your new pet. My elves don't make
ferrets, but this cute little puppy does not need to be fed. It
doesn't climb drapes, dig holes in the yard or take a dump in
anyone's bed. He also doesn't cause allergy symptoms for your older
brother, which is something to which I know you are very
sympathetic. A stuffed, no-maintenance pet! You can thank me next
year. His name is Dweeble.
Santa has also brought 30 pounds for you in the form of a set of
dumbbells. Simply take them out of your X-box and put them back in
50 times every day, and you will "magically" have those biceps in no
time at all. If you keep eating the way you are, you'll gain lots of
weight even after you decide you don't want it anymore.
A tip from the North Pole: A girl whose requirements for
friendship include biceps is probably not the kind of girl you'd
actually want to hang out with anyway.
Last, but not least: cash. No matter how much money I give you,
it will never be enough to last your lifetime. What does last a
lifetime is the skill to make money, a good work ethic to acquire
that skill and the discipline for money management. I can't give you
those, but I can give you the means to start on that journey.
If you look in your X-box, you will find the "Help Wanted"
section of the newspaper. Call any telephone number on that piece of
paper and do exactly what they tell you to do, to the best of your
ability, and you will be well on your way to earning that Ferrari...
and anything else you want.
Merry Christmas, Son, and Happy New Year!
--Santa
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info. |
