 I am reminded of a certain woman who whipped up the first pot of
liquid white-out on her kitchen stove. I can almost imagine a New
England clam chowder that went horribly wrong, but from all
accounts, making a concoction that would hide typos was actually her
plan.I understand that pioneering spirit because, after all,
being a parent is the "final frontier." Although many people have
raised kids, they have never raised your kids. Living with them is
new to you. So now, you have to make up the "rules" as you go and
invent things to fit your particular circumstances.
For example, for my kids, a good report card deserves a trip to
Dairy Queen. Another family may have a kid who is particularly
resistant to good grades, and so a trip to Disney World may be the
only thing that motivates him to get above a C. Thank goodness we
have ice cream kids.
Many motivational methods have been invented, but my talents run
more toward inventing techniques for improving my family's health
and well-being. For example, one child's well-being may have been in
jeopardy if not for my technique of using duct tape to keep his
diaper on his body. He couldn't manage to get a spoonful of food
from his plate to his mouth without having a spasm somewhere in
between, but somehow he knew how to remove the Velcro tapes from his
diaper.
I don't know why, but that's not something that one is ever
prepared to deal with. But no matter the challenge, most parents are
up to it with their own brand of engineering.
Imagine the frustration of the parent whose child wet the bed. He
invented electric pads to place in a child's underwear to sound an
alarm when "moisture" is detected while he's sleeping. I like that:
moisture. Who are they kidding? Imagine the satisfaction of the
parent who finally invented those binky clips that prevent the binky
from falling on the floor for the hundredth time.
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 I wonder how many times a child tried to stick his fingers in an
electrical outlet before his parent invented those plastic inserts?
Who was the first person who decided to try vaginal cream to heal
cold sores or hemorrhoid cream to diminish under-eye bags? I've
heard those remedies work, but I've never had the courage to try
them, because, well, I don't know where those creams have been ...
or maybe it's because I do.
Who invented the stuff that gets burnt chicken noodle soup off
your burner pans? Who invented conditioner so that when your
daughter puts on a sweater her hair doesn't cling to her face? Who
invented garbage disposals, gummy bears, night lights, waterproof
mattress pads and fat crayons? Parents, of course.
Tell me, where would we be without a nasal aspirator to get the
snot out of a baby's nose? I shudder to think how it was done before
a nasal aspirator was invented.
I have, for the last 25 years, had three or four males living in
our house at the same time. Little boys think the inside of the
toilet, as a target, is simply a lofty goal. As a result, there is
no remorse when they let loose a wild stream of urine in the general
direction of the toilet, only hitting the "target" by accident.
For the last 25 years I have been wondering, "What can I invent
that would motivate them to get hold of that thing and aim with a
little more precision?" If I could just figure that out, I would be
a very rich woman.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books. |
