 Sometimes, his pep talks sound more like a call to arms."OK men,
today is the day we take over the world!"
Oh, please. He looks so authoritative wearing that Robin Hood hat
of his. Besides, with all those troublesome vaccines, I'll be lucky
if I can infect a 3-year-old without a bunch of antibodies beating
me up. Oh, my aching cell wall! Of course, I do have the unique
ability to go incognito as another strain. Then those vaccines won't
even recognize me and I can slink in all secret-like.
It's never long before the vaccines catch on though. Usually I
can only infect two or three people before I have to change costumes
again. Blast those vaccines. They make my life so much more
complicated. But my name is Floo Virus and I will never give up!
The trick is to find a host who has not taken the vaccine.
Then... Fever! Coughing! Body aches! Puke! ... Ah, good times, man.
Speaking of coughs, I think we are due one anytime now. Good,
because it's getting kind of feverish in here. You'd think with
today's virus technology -- I mean we can mutate, for crying out
loud! -- we'd have found a means of transportation that didn't
include high-velocity mucus. I mean, yes, I create that kind of
havoc, but that doesn't mean that I want to wallow in it. Or, for
that matter, take it for a spin.
Well, it looks like the bonehead is finally done flapping his
membranes and ... oh, no! The feather in his hat is tickling the
side of the lung. And me without a mucus-mobile!
[to top of second column]
 |
 In the end, it didn't matter. Mucus-mobile or not, we were all
going to exit this lung at warp speed. I made a grab for an
unoccupied piece of phlegm, but it slipped out of my grasp. It's
just as well. Sometimes phlegm can give away your position.
After the expulsion, I looked around and found myself plastered
to the crease between the knuckles of a thumb.
Time to plan my next victim. It would have been nice if I had
been airborne a little longer because I could have easily been
inhaled right into another lung. (Heavy sigh.) Nothing ever comes
easy.
But wait... the hand is reaching for a cup. If I can just... Yes!
I'm on the cup and... yes... here comes my next victim. Using my
inner Jedi, I whisper, "Pick up the cup! Pick up the cup!"
Yeah, baby!
Uh, oh. Going to the sink. This could be sayonara for the likes
of me. No... wait... She's placing the cup in the sink, but she
didn't wash her hands! Thank goodness for stupid people!
Now it's just a matter of time -- hours maybe -- before she
touches something and brings it to her mouth. I can wait...
Hold the presses! She's... yes... she's picking her nose! Almost
there! Just one little sniff and... Jackpot!
I hope my new boss isn't such a bonehead...
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books. |
