My son found us and prepared to pounce on the bed... because, well,
boys pounce... constantly. I told him that if he should
"accidentally" pounce on my bladder, there would be an "accident."
This statement tickled them so much they burst into a rousing
rendition of the Frito Bandito song with the lyrics, "I-I-I have to
peeeee! I am a Peeto Bandito!"
I figured I could think better in the bathroom, where there
wasn't so much noise. It was there that it dawned on me that it was,
indeed, a school day. Thank goodness!
On to drill sergeant mode:
"Tell me, have you eaten yet?
"How short can those pant legs get?
"Don't forget to make your bed.
"Brush your hair -- it's on your head!
"Sound off! One, two..."
While the kids were being schooled, I sat at my computer and
tried to make it see reason. When it didn't, I called my husband,
who I am pretty sure is part human and part computer. I recite the
current error message to him and try to act intelligent when he
walks me through it. Usually, he gets disgusted with me and tells me
to reboot it.
"Couldn't I just drop-kick it?" I asked.
I guess writing will have to wait. I'll just go fight with my
dishwasher now. I have to push the "Start" button at least a
half-dozen times. As soon as it starts, the "Heat Dry" button lights
up as well. I don't really want Heat Dry activated, because if the
dishes aren't spotless, then the spots will become permanently
etched into the surface of the dishes. Using Heat Dry is the
equivalent of putting them into a kiln. I punch the Heat Dry button
off. The dishwasher goes on strike. *Sigh* ... It's going to be
another one of those days.
[to top of second column]
I dragged the vacuum cleaner out. After bending down to throw
missed lint and tiny bits paper back into its path multiple times, I
realized that my vacuum cleaner didn't suck -- and this is a bad
thing when it comes to vacuum cleaners.
I spent nearly an hour digging hair, thread, string and Easter
grass out of the beater brushes with a seam ripper. When I finished,
I tried again and, hallelujah! ... it sucked. (In case you were
wondering, this is a good thing.)
Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to get the fried
bug carcasses out of my kitchen lights. The vacuum cleaner might
seem like a good idea now that it sucked. Unfortunately, it is an
upright vacuum cleaner, not an upside-down one. Darn!
I would put them in the dishwasher, but if the Heat Dry comes on,
we'd be having bug barbecue for dinner. If my oven ever stops
working, I can always use the Heat Dry cycle.
Since bug barbecue is not what I wanted for dinner, I approached
the freezer. No matter how much I pleaded with it, the freezer would
not produce a single thing with which I could make a meal for five:
a half-link of Polish sausage, a box of breaded shrimp from two
years ago (we didn't like it then either), two grape popsicles (how
did the kids miss those?), and an open bag of frozen cauliflower
with cheese sauce (I had picked the cheese chunks out three months
ago to make an off-the-cuff macaroni and cheese dinner).
Hoping for ideas, I looked at my computer, skeptically.
Maybe I could find something on the Internet? No way, I thought.
The way that computer has been treating me lately, I'm likely to
throw it into the path of the vacuum cleaner and let the vacuum do
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.