This boy, though, he sleeps like he's comatose. I could crawl on his
face and he wouldn't budge. I won't, though, because I stand a
chance of getting sucked into that malodorous abyss while he's
Spiders eat bugs. You'd think humans would like us for
that. Unfortunately, they consider us bugs, too. Helloooo? Eight
legs? Not a bug! What an insult! That's like calling a human a
On my nightly forays for food, I usually start in the smallest
boy's room because he hoards candy wrappers under his bed.
If a spider needed sugar to live, I would be as old as Methuselah
under this bed. Sugar doesn't do a thing for me, however. All I can
hope for is that the bugs were smart enough to find his stash.
Sure enough, there were two ants noshing on this candy wrapper
buffet… and they were delicious... the ants, that is.
I had hoped for more, but it's 20 degrees outside. No bugs in
their right mind would be stirring. Perhaps even the ant community
would consider it a public service for me to rid them of two crazy
Let's see what's in the other bedrooms…
Wow! This one is straight out of a nightmare. There are tiny,
plastic people all over the place! They look so real! They have
their own little house with tiny furniture! Well, maybe they have
tiny food being attacked by tiny ants. Hmm, the food is plastic too.
Bugs don't eat plastic food.
There's a broom in the corner. A broom is used for cleaning and
swatting spiders. Someone must've tried to clean this room -- perish
the thought! -- because there's a strange assortment of objects
attached to its bristles.
A wild array of yellow feathers is attached as if a baby chick
exploded somewhere. A pink squirrel is hopelessly entangled in the
bristles as well. If it were edible, it would be toast.
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Purple Easter grass is entwined throughout the broom.
Tiny pieces of yarn are attached to the bottom of the bristles.
It looks like a broom used by the guy who cleans up the confetti
after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Looking right at me, I swear, are two orange pompoms with
glued-on googly eyes. The broom looks like a gigantic monster with a
long tail, but like I said, I'm not dumb. It's just a broom, right?
I shudder to think what mad world lies under that bed. I find I
don't have the courage to find out.
Instead, I will find another room.
The only light in this room is on a desk, in an aquarium full of
sea monkeys. If I could swim, they might be kind of tasty. I never
did get the hang of swimming, though. I'm all legs. Seafood was
never my favorite anyway.
Next to the aquarium, however, is a known source of spider food.
A microscope! Almost every boy puts a bug under a microscope at some
point in his life. This one would be no different, I was sure. In
fact, if I was lucky, it would be pre-killed and waiting for me on a
silver platter. Well, OK, a glass slide.
Good thing I've got some kind of magic in my limbs that allows me
to climb on vertical surfaces. Sure enough, when I reach the top, I
see a slide in the microscope. A squashed figure lies there. I
scurry forward to get a better look at my dinner.
Oh no! It's dad! Those ignorant humans! We're NOT bugs!
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.