The first pharmaceutical company that can come up with a drug that
doesn't cause any side effects like painful pustules will put all
the others out of business. Why is this not possible?
I had a
toothache, which generally heralds the beginning of a very
uncomfortable relationship with an endodontist. It includes sitting
in front of a total stranger with my mouth wide open for an hour or
two and trying not to drool.
First things first, however. I needed to take a battery of drugs
to numb the pain, kill the infection and calm the inflammation. Only
after a week of being drugged will I be allowed the privilege of
seeing the almighty endodontist.
My tooth hurt so badly I couldn't get anything done, so I had to
take the Loracet. Loracet makes me loopy. The loopiness makes me
climb into bed and not get up until the next morning... which means
I didn't get anything done anyway.
The Dexamethasone is a steroid. I'm a little afraid of this one.
It's the same feeling Ebenezer Scrooge had when he met the Ghost of
Christmas Future. The steroid is supposed to calm the inflammation,
but I've heard that steroids make you talk like Arnold
Schwarzenegger and scratch places where women don't have places. No
worries, though; if there were more than four pills, I'd probably
just gain 400 pounds. I know this because my stomach hurts if I take
them without food, and if I start eating food for medicinal
purposes, there's no going back.
As for the antibiotic... oh, don't get me started. It's really
good stuff for getting rid of infections, no doubt about it.
As soon as that antibiotic hit my system, it traveled immediately
to my tooth, and the infection jumped ship directly into its
jet-stream evacuation route, which apparently is the pores in my
[to top of second column]
My tooth feels fine now, but my face looks like I'd spent a
considerable amount of my childhood in a leper colony.
The thing about antibiotics is, you have to take them for a full
10 days! That's 10 days that I'll have to wear a paper bag over my
head to save the world from my unacceptable visage.
Yes, I know I had a choice. I didn't have to take the drugs. I
could've kept my toothache instead; that was Door 1. Or I could have
what was behind Door 2.
The trick is trying to determine what's behind Door 2 before you
choose it. This is very difficult because Door 2 is different for
Let's face it, though, other than certain death, almost anything
is better than a toothache. So you rationalize: I won't have the
pain if I pick Door 2. Door 2 could be good. Door 1 isn't really
something I want anyway.
OK, Bob, I'll take Door 2.
Congratulations, Mrs. Snyder! You have won an
all-expenses-paid-by-you trip to Loopy-Lardo-Leper-Land!
Aw, man... I was kinda hoping for the new car.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.