 It's not often that one gets caught with one's pants down. Getting
caught with no pants at all happens even more infrequently. However,
I seem to get caught more than my fair share.I went into a
department store looking for sundresses. I'm not sure what I was
expecting to find, but all the sundresses I saw were the kind you
might wear to a garden party. I've never been invited to a garden
party, maybe because I have no garden party dresses. But I've seen
them on TV and I know what women wear to one.
The dresses typically have a lot of white in them with splashes
of color. They sometimes have collars and waistlines and are meant
to be worn by skinny people.
What I was looking for was a lightweight, anything-but-white tent
with arm holes. I wanted to be comfortably cool without the pressure
of possibly being invited to a garden party... because garden
parties are boring anyway... and the dresses are for skinny people.
After 15 minutes of browsing, it became apparent that I should've
gone to a sporting goods store to find what I wanted. Do they make
tents in a nice summery print?
After a time, I wandered into the Intimates department. That is a
very interesting name for the pajama department, I thought.
Well, if I wasn't going to a garden party, surely, I would be
going to bed that night and I could use a new nightgown. You see,
shopping depresses me, but buying makes me happy. There is a name
for that.
The Intimate department holds both the nightgowns one would wear
after having been to the garden party -- the kind most women would
wear on their honeymoon -- and the nightgowns women wear when their
reason for going to bed is to sleep. I was intending to sleep --
Lord knows I needed it -- but I couldn't resist trying on one of
those nightgowns that you don't get to wear all night... not that I
would ever buy it.
I took all of my "potentials" to the fitting room and proceeded
to try them on. The only one that wasn't too small was the one that
had so little fabric it almost didn't exist. I had just finished
putting it back on the hanger, when the lights went out. Not just a
blink -- OFF.
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 There I stood, in my underwear, wondering where my clothes were.
In a room the size of a phone booth, there aren't too many places
for clothes to hide. I felt around with my hands. There's the stool.
There's my purse on the stool. No clothes. The only clothes hanging
on the hooks were my potential nightgown purchases. I knew where the
floor was, so I felt around down there. Nothing. I could feel that
the walls stopped about a foot from the floor and I wondered if the
woman next door was, at that moment, putting on my clothes.
I heard the store clerk say, "Security is coming to get everyone
out of the store."
Now I was getting panicky. The only clothing option at this point
was the almost-not-there nightie! This was unacceptable.
There was a knock on my door. Hands on my hips, using my voice of
authority, I yelled, "I'm not coming out! I can't find my clothes!"
Standing in your underwear makes your voice of authority sound more
like a squeal of fear.
I heard a snicker and a snort from the other side of my door.
When I find my clothes, she is toast!
The lights flashed on for a second, but thanks to her, I was
staring at the door, where my clothes couldn't possibly be hiding.
Blast it!
I suddenly heard the annoying chirp of my cell phone and then I
saw its display light beaming out of my open purse. A light!
I grabbed the phone and hoped it was my mom calling. She would be
persistent enough to let it ring until I found my clothes.
There they were! In the dim light of my cell phone I saw my
clothes hiding behind the stool. I meant to answer the phone to see
who I needed to thank for calling just then, but whoever it was hung
up before I could. I dressed in the dark and then made my way to the
front of the store, where I realized that I had put my shirt on
inside out and backward.
But... at least I wasn't wearing a garden party nightie.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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