 There is a season for plumbers. It's called the holiday season. It
never fails. I don't know if it's because of the increased number of
guests who need to use your bathroom or that December is the time
for all humans to shed hair. But whatever the reason, nearly every
holiday season, I have trouble with my drains.I love the holiday
season with all of its ups and downs, and I usually have a lot more
ups than downs (especially with my drains). However, I could use a
little help during this time of year since there are so many things
that need to be done.
For example, I love to shop for gifts, but I don't like to wrap
them. You can't give a naked gift, though. It's just not done. So I
need some help wrapping. Does Merry Maids do that?
I would love to buy a "wow!" gift for each person on my list. The
problem is that "wow!" gifts are pricey, and I never seem to have
enough money to get exactly the right thing for everyone. Of course,
I also want to put a little something in that red pot hanging next
to the guy ringing the bell. I figure if I pay him, he'll stop
ringing the bell. He's not bribable, though.
I love to eat Christmas cookies. The smell of anise and chocolate
chip cookies brings back so many wonderful memories. But I burn at
least 50 percent of everything I bake, and that smell is not very
nostalgic. Now, because of my incompetence, my kids' memories will
be that of burnt cookie dough. My great-great-grandchildren will
probably burn a batch of cookies every year in memory of me.
I'm not exactly a creative cook either, but my turkey and
stuffing usually come out moderately decent. What I wouldn't give
for the skills of Julia Childs, though. To be able to put on a
spread that deserves a standing ovation is a long-term dream of
mine.
Instead, my cooking tends to result in loose fillings. Remember
that popular holiday favorite: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two
Front Teeth"? That kid's mother must've been a lousy cook, too.
One thing that annoys me is that I can never find a big enough
turkey at the grocery store. I need a 24-pound turkey for our large
family, but the largest I can find is 18 pounds. Do two 12-pound
turkeys have the same amount of meat and stuffing capacity as a
24-pounder? This is something I should know by now.
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 The point is, I need certain things during the holidays that I
don't usually need. The number one thing is... time: time to finish
all the cleaning chores that we women obsess about. Your doorknobs
can have grape jelly on them all year long, but not during the
holidays. As a result of all this cleaning, my hands are as dry as
the Sahara in July. So I need lotion and rubber gloves.
Throughout all of this pre-holiday activity, I still need to type
out my column, too. I could use a few typists just to do that. Of
course, my computer needs to work for that, and it tends to break
down just when I am the busiest. My husband is a technological
wizard, but he's sometimes too busy fixing other people's computers
to deal with my "little problems." I need some little, tiny, on-call
elf-nerds living inside my laptop. They can fix it when it glitches.
Maybe Santa has a few of those lying around.
I need folding chairs, folding tables, folded napkins and maybe
even someone to fold the laundry. I wonder if the Wrapping Merry
Maids would fold laundry too?
Most of all, I need sleep, which, being as exhausted as I am,
would almost certainly be possible if my true love was not also a
sleep-talker and a blanket-stealer.
When, on the 12th day of Christmas, he -- my true love -- asks
what I want for Christmas this year, I'll tell him:
Twelve plumbers
plumbing,
Eleven
typists typing,
Ten
lords a-sleeping (I'll settle for just one),
Nine
ladies baking,
Eight
maids a-wrapping,
Seven
hundred dollars,
Six
teeth a-staying,
Five
folding things,
Four
calling nerds,
Three
French chefs,
Two
rubber gloves,
And a
24-pound turkey.
If my true love will grant me these things for Christmas, I will
never again ask him to fix my computer, wrap a present or take a
plunger to our toilet.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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