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However, if you own a card that awards airline miles for every
dollar charged, you can be in debt and go to Hawaii! Every program
goes by a different name, but they are all pretty amazing because
you can get free airline tickets to anywhere in the world! After
cashing in enough "Amazing Miles" to buy my own squadron of
aircraft, I now consider myself to be well-versed in the exercise.
It really is a good deal. I am going to get to Hawaii, but there
are some drawbacks. For one thing, you have to go when they have
room available, not when you want to go. Holidays are no-nos,
weekends are impossible. It's kind of like being assigned to
steerage on a cruise ship. At least that is what I am anticipating.
My kids have flown on an airplane only once, so they were looking
forward to peering out the window as we winged our way to Hawaii. As
it turns out, people who do not actually pay for a ticket do not get
to look out the window.
No doubt this is the first of many surprises awaiting the Amazing
Miles participant.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to start boarding the plane.
We will board in the following order:
"Our first-class passengers are first -- you know, those people
who have paid extra to be treated better than the rest of you
schmucks.
"Physically and mentally handicapped people are next because it
would be bad form to make the slowpokes get on last.
"Next is coach class (the schmucks),
"Then pets,
"Domesticated farm animals,
"Anyone in handcuffs or leg shackles,
"Politicians,
"Lawyers,
"And least, I mean last, our Amazing Miles freeloaders."
I don't intend to complain as long as they get me and my family
to Hawaii safely. However, based on the seating arrangements, I am
beginning to think that might be asking too much.
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"Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts as we
prepare to leave the terminal. In the event that the plane refuses
to budge, we will require our Amazing Miles guests to get out and
push. All others may remain seated while our flight attendants serve
hot coffee and doughnuts to make your wait more pleasant.
"Please be advised that the really fast Amazing Miles people
might be able to catch the flight anyway if they can manage to
tether themselves to the axles before we take off. Your pilots will
make every effort to ensure that this does not happen as it may muck
up our landing gear. Not to mention the complaints from the ground
crew when they have to peel the muck... er... the little rascals...
off the runway."
Wow. That's harsh.
"Please direct your attention to the emergency exits, there and
there. We don't anticipate a need for them. However, should we hit a
rough patch, we will start tossing Amazing Miles passengers until
the plane stabilizes."
Should I start worrying now?
"In the event of a water landing, your seat will function as a
floatation device. To minimize overcrowding at the emergency exits
and save rescue resources, Amazing Miles seats will function as a
rock."
She's kidding, right?
"If cabin pressure drops, oxygen masks will drop out of the
ceiling. Please place it on your face first before tending to small
children. Amazing Miles people: Don't bother. There is no oxygen
piped to those seats. The masks are only there to give you a false
sense of security. You have no hope of survival."
Uh-oh.
"Once we reach cruising altitude, your flight attendants will
take your orders for a light meal and beverage. For our Amazing
Miles passengers, we have carefully scraped yesterday's leftovers
into a Hefty bag, which you are free to pick through. You will also
receive a Dixie cup of water per row and a handful of straws,
compliments of the flight crew."
"We'd like to welcome you aboard Flight 666 and we hope you have
a pleasant flight. To our Amazing Miles cheapskates: Good luck..."
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info. |
