Slim Randles' Home Country
How to solve things after the election
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[August 11, 2012]
"One of these days," said
Pete, out behind the sale barn where he works, "I'm going to be
elected emperor, and then, by smash, I'll change everything around."
Now several of us from the Mule Barn coffee shop's philosophy
counter were out back there with Pete to look at an Angus bull that
he thought each of us should have and none of us needed.
thought you hated politics, Pete," Doc said.
"I do, Doc. I do. But I've figured out a way to solve the energy
crisis, lower taxes, eliminate the deficit -- whatever that is --
and ... well, fix things forever."
We waited. Pete just stuck a straw in his mouth and chewed on it.
He was looking pensive. That's hard for Pete. But we waited, because
we're not big on politicians, but all of us want to fix
"Do I have to hurt you, Pete?" Dud asked.
"Huh? Oh, you want to know ... OK, well here it is. It's them
signs. It's an election year and every darn vacant lot in the valley
has a whole forest of cardboard signs nailed to one-bys and pounded
into the ground. And you drive around the neighborhood and every
fourth house has one or two stuck in the lawn."
We nodded, as though we were smart.
"That's it in a nutshell, boys. Them signs. Yep ... them signs
... (sigh). Signs don't make any sense at all. They say someone's
name, and sometimes they name his political party. Do they say why
we should vote for him? No. That's why I came up with it."
"With what, Pete?"
[to top of second
"Oh yeah. Wellsir, ever notice that them signs just stay right
there like a full-color ugly ol' forest for weeks after the
election? Well, here's my plan ... first off, we give them
politicians one entire day after the election to take the signs
down. That's a kind of graceful period. Then we charge them one
dollar a day for each sign that hasn't been removed.
"Now this ought to keep the local politicians all tuned up and
cleaning vacant lots or coughing up money to make up for the lower
taxes we're gonna pay, right? But the real treasure is with the
election for president. Now my plan is to have whoever loses that
election pay a buck a day into the kitty for every day both his and
the president-elect's signs stay up. Think of the money!"
We thought of the money.
Then Doc said, "You said this plan of yours would solve the
energy crisis, though, Pete."
"Yep," he said, grinning. "We just burn them signs to stay warm
[Text from file received from Slim Randles]
Brought to you by the new book "Home
Country," at www.slimrandles.com.