I'd love to support our Irish friends on St. Patrick's Day, but I
have absolutely nothing green to wear. I've come to the conclusion
that nobody does unless they bought it for a St. Patrick's Day party
10 years ago.
There is a rule written in stone somewhere (perhaps
this Blarney Stone I keep hearing about) that you cannot go to a St.
Paddy's Day party wearing anything other than green. Additionally,
you take the risk of getting kicked out if you dare show up in
orange, which is very… not green.
Nobody wants to get kicked out because there will be shamrocks…
and beer. Lots of beer.
There's a rule about having to drink beer on St. Paddy's Day too,
but I choose to ignore it. Beer makes me nauseated. What can they
do? Send a leprechaun to make me drink? … Bring it on, little green
man. I think I can take you.
By the way, the leprechauns did not sprout from the St. Patrick
legends. The little party-crashers simply took over the holiday
because St. Patrick was a bit boring. In fact, it is very unlikely
that he ever drank beer, sported a monochrome wardrobe or ate corned
beef and cabbage until he puked.
In fact, the modern corned beef tradition sprang from the
original meat used to celebrate St. Patrick's Day: bacon. I can see
how people who drink large quantities of beer might make that
mistake. ("I wondered why that darn pig was mooing!") But whose sick
idea was it to combine corned beef and cabbage with kegs of beer,
Aha! That's where the green comes in! After voluminous amounts of
corned beef, cabbage and beer, the only green you'd see is the green
around your gills around 2 a.m.
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After waking from a coma next to the commode in a bar where you
don't remember going, you have to further test your intestinal
fortitude by going to the parade with a hangover.
And yay! The parade has bagpipes! Lots of bagpipes. Because,
apparently, the friendly Scots support the Irish madness with an
instrument that looks like one of the alien patrons of a "Star Wars"
pub. It sounds like one too.
Of course, after ruining your only green shirt with the contents
of your stomach, you would have to brave the parade in a color other
There are consequences for blatantly breaking the St. Paddy's Day
rules. Now, every Irish grandmother in the city will subject you to
an "affectionate pinch," which is an oxymoron. There really is no
such thing. However, if somebody's grandmother pinches you, you are
not -- I repeat, NOT -- allowed to slug her. Another St. Paddy's
rule written in stone.
So, yes, I wholeheartedly support our Irish friends, and even
those who are only temporarily Irish. But, gee, I just don't have
anything to wear.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated
columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.