Slim Randles' Home Country
Opera truths for cowboys
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cowboy, Steve, brought us the shocking news: Cowpuncher Three-Chord
Cortez, that bunkhouse balladeer, plans to study opera, in hopes an
aria or three will make him even more attractive to girls during a
serenade. Apparently, singing "La Donna Mobile" might be more
effective than "You don't know what lonesome is 'til you start
herding co-o-o-ows" ... especially if she doesn't speak European.
I thought I'd jot down a few opera truths for ol' T.C., just to help
1. Take off your hat. You can keep jujubes in it if you
2. If you like a particular aria, you can yell "Bravo!" if it's a
man, "Brava!" if it's a woman or "Bravisimo!" if it's an "isimo."
It's considered poor form to yell "Eeeee-HAAA!" or "You get 'em,
3. One of the strangest operatic devices is called recitative —
pronounced rest-a-TEEF (don't ask) — and is a combination of singing
and speaking that is used when the composer wants to hurry through a
song because he wasn't too fond of it in the first place but it was
in the contract and he wants it out of the way quickly. Feel free to
mention recitative to a woman at halftime. Operas have two
[to top of second
The speaking part of the recitative is done like a machine gun,
and then you break into song when you get tired of that, and it can
happen in the same sentence. For example: "Don't make me come down
there, don't make me come down there, don't make me come down there
and k-i-i-i-I-I-I-I-i-i-ck your bu-u-u-u-u-tt."
4. That bit of music they play before the curtain goes up is
called the overture, and not foreplay.
It's to give you a hint of what's to come, in case you decide to
leave early. You might listen to the overture and say, "That
allegretto tickles my fancy, but if that tenor duet goes on for more
than two minutes, I'll get the scours."
This makes a guy a connoisseur, you see. Connoisseur is European
And finally, 5. Don't forget to clean your boots.
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A free hearing test will ease the grief if
you can't hear the recitative. Beltone 1-866-867-8700.