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 We offer you one of those amazing stories of love and purpose.
Girl - boy - girl. One day after playing with their three children,
Michael lamented to Suzanne there was imbalance, "See, this is why
we need another boy!"
This was in about 2005. Their plan then was no more biological
children.
Suzanne was quick to hear the offer and she remembers calling
Michael on it, "There is only one way to even that up," and she
meant adoption. The Gowins had actually begun talking about adoption
before marriage.
During the next three years, Suzanne, an astute listener, also heard
Michael add an 's' about having more kid(s). He jests today about
watching what he says more carefully.
Now in 2015 those words echo with humor in their home as the couple
relays some of what has happened in their lives. This morning, the
echo is only temporary as the children are all out of the large
Victorian-style house at the moment, off to school for the day. It
is so quiet that you can hear the grandfather clock tick and the
chime seems loud, and sometimes you can hear a small whine coming
from the kitchen. You can see the parents savoring the quiet, but a
cheerful twinkle in each that gives inkling to the energy and chaos
that fills the rooms when the children are present.
 The Gowins prepared well for all the phases of their lives. They
took parenting classes before they began having children. That day
in 2005 when the adoption seed started to take root, Michael was
still working on his Masters of Business Administration degree.
The couple took those years asking God to steer them to the right
children, praying, searching and preparing, before they found and
brought home their fourth and fifth children, their first adoption.
The Gowins have been part of, and worked through the organization,
Woven Together of Logan County, which helps families with foster
care and adoption, as well as global orphan care.
In 2008 the family began traveling and bringing home children from
Ethiopia. They brought home younger children at first. In 2011, they
brought home siblings, a 9-month old baby girl and her five year old
brother.
Suzanne began feeling burdened after a comment from one of her
children about the plight of older children in orphanages. In
Ethiopia, children age-out of the orphanage at age 16 and are turned
out on to the streets to make their own way, most without skills or
an education. Their prospects of a quality life are not good.
Thereby, the sixth child they would bring home was a 15 year-old-boy
with medical issues. He walked with crutches due to the poor
condition of his bones. His blind father was trying to take care of
his medical issues while still caring for the boy’s three younger
siblings at home. The fifteen-year-old agreed that being adopted was
his only hope.
After arriving in the states, this now oldest child was accepted at
Shriner's Hospital in St. Louis and there his medical condition was
diagnosed as caused by nutritional deficiencies and a genetic
disorder, Osteogenesis imperfecta. Over the course of a year he
received bio-chemical therapy and finally surgery for his legs.
While they were at the hospital for his surgery, the Gowins would be
faced with their biggest life-changing decision yet. They learned
that the father of their last child had been forced to place the
other three siblings in the orphanage.
It is well-known in foster care and adoption that whenever possible
children from a family do best if they are kept together.
The Gowins compassion for children who are in the greatest need of
love and care was now challenged by this much bigger commitment of
their time and resources.
The questions raced through the couple's minds: Where would the
finances come from to raise three more children? How would they find
the time to care for so many children? Where would they fit them
all? It was a big leap of faith to go from a family of six kids, to
nine. How many vehicles fit 11 people?
The decision was made after careful examination and lots of prayer,
but the one thing that clinched it was, because of God's "tender
mercy," the kids need to be in a family, together.
It was still a big step of faith for the family. Michael already
worked two, sometimes three jobs. The addition of three more
children at once would require sacrifice on all their parts,
including the children.
With the addition of the last three children it brought the total to
nine and imbalanced the ratio again to five boys and four girls. Uh
oh, now what to do? Daughter Eva likes to say to anyone pointing out
the 5-4 count, "No, we have five and five." The family recently
added a female Labrador puppy and she's been a big hit in the
family.
Suzanne says 'Shep’ has a job to do, shepherd the children. As the
young pup whines from behind the kitchen door, Michael comments,
"Right now, she isn't carrying her weight." They laugh together, and
Suzanne quickly counters, "She is little," and adds to the defense,
"you know what, the kids are putting their shoes away better than
they ever have."
How have the children handled the additions to the family?
One year before starting down the road of adoptions, it was coming
up on Thanksgiving time and the Gowins wanted to create awareness
that would instill a sense of gratitude in their children. Michael
made a dunce hat naming it 'the cone of shame,' after having watched
the Disney movie “Up.” If the children complained about something,
they wore the cone for a couple of minutes. It turned out to be fun
and it had the desired affect on the kids.
 Maybe that was a stepping stone toward their next adventure.
What has aided the children most has been doing things together as a
family. Each of the 'bio-children' would over the coming years be
included in one of the trips to bring home an adoption child. The
children saw first hand "that not everyone in the world lives like
they do," Michael said. They were able to experience some of the
culture, seeing people dance, houses in the community, how the
people live, where their new siblings had lived, which would help
them understand each other when they got back home.
It helped their children to see that "in America we have so much
wealth. We don't think we do, but we do," Suzanne said.
How have the adoptions changed their lives?
Michael said it could appear simple, but there was a lot that went
behind each decision. Just looking at the family's blogposts you
will find years of praying and processes that dealt with the
financial and logistical activities including extensive paper work
for the state of Illinois, home studies, adoption agency processes,
and court hearings in Ethiopia. The couple asked themselves lots of
questions and did more preparation before each adoption.
Today Michael says, just the running around, the day-to-day stuff of
getting kids where they need to go is a challenge. While resources
limit activities the children can be involved in, they each do get
to enjoy their own outside activity.
Laughing, Michael says during the soccer season when he has five
kids at soccer practice, he has to remember there are still four
kids at home. He has to think, how crazy is that?!
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For the kids, Suzanne says, "Of course it's hard for them in some
ways because: they have to share mom and dad - they have to share
our resources - they have to share their rooms - you have to share
space - you have to share quiet - its not really very quiet, which
can be hard on the ones that are introverts. However, it opens up
their world view. Not only do they have to share, but they are more
aware of the world - rather than, where's my stuff, and my room and
my toys and my parents."
When it comes to kids, everyone wants everything to revolve around
themselves, but Suzanne says their children are more aware that it
can't. The children know there are other people out there and not
just at home or in Lincoln, there are people all over the world with
needs much greater than ours.
The children are thinking ahead of the day when they will be on
their own and what they will do, and interestingly, almost all of
the children have talked about adopting when they grow up. Suzanne
is already planning and daydreaming about her “gramma house” for
their dozens of grandchildren to come and visit.
Lessons learned benefiting the community
While the Gowins had parenting experience and had prepared well for
adoption, there was something they hadn't been able to see coming.
Two years after they began adopting they would discover "just on the
parenting side of it, a lot of the traditional practices don't
work," Michael said.
At orphan care conferences, the Gowins discovered the term 'kids
from hard places.' They also found a lot of information and support
that would ease their lives and that they would eventually bring to
our community to help other families.
Children who have been in foster-care or orphanages predictably have
experienced trauma - loss of one or more parents, abuse, separation
from family, medical trauma, things which interrupt a child's
development. "They miss out on a lot, their brains develop
differently because of the trauma," Michael said. "There are logic
pieces that are missing," Suzanne adds. So, common parenting
programs like the 'Love and Logic' or other consequence-based styles
will not work for these kids.
No matter the age, when a child comes to you, "You have missed out
on the bonding and mental growth that typically begins at
conception," Suzanne said. The process of parenting these children
requires backtracking, going through those normal growth processes
to gain that connectedness for their well-being.
The couple did lots of self-study and received training through a
program called "Empowered to Connect" which strives to balance
structure and nurture through relationship. They became trained as
trainers and just finished leading a second nine week session of
two-hour classes. The classes were held in a local church. Interest
has grown and the classes have been a benefit to other foster care
and adoptive parents, as well as teachers and leaders of children in
our community.
The Gowins stay focused on their family's needs. Suzanne says,
"We're busy, busy, busy. We do know how to say 'no.' We would not
have added teaching this class to our plate if we didn't feel this
parenting method was vital in our communities that seem to be full
of 'kids from hard places.’"
Another thing she does take time for that is so important is to
attend conferences. She gains strength and information regularly
attending mom and orphan care conferences, and by staying in contact
with other adoptive families through blogs.
What's so great about being a big family?
Michael quips, "The best part is that the kids always have someone
to play with."
Suzanne interjects with a laugh, "They always have someone to fight
with too. But then, there's somebody else who will agree with them
usually."
And Michael is laughing as she speaks saying, "Right ... right ...
right."
Of late, there has been four, five or six of them upstairs playing
Nerf gun wars. With no complaints, but mom Suzanne currently finds
herself in a never ending task of picking up Nerf pellets.
Clearly, this couple is ready to roll together with the hills and
valleys, all the twists and turns that go with a big family.
Suzanne says one of the biggest things they do as a family is have
dinner together. Sometimes someone might be missing, such as for
basketball practice, "But it is what we do."
The large round dinner table with eleven seated is typically a
noisy, busy affair.
A college student who came to their home for dinner last year asked
incredulously, "So, do you guys always sit down and eat dinner
together?" In her much smaller family with brothers they just
grabbed something to eat when they could.
It isn't normal in this society for everyone to sit down to a meal
together. Suzanne said, "It may not always be the happiest occasion.
You might need somebody to calm down, but it is a time that feels
normal to us."
The kids’ favorite thing is "Friday Night Movie Night." The family
orders several cheap pizzas and then Michael sets up a big screen
for the movie. It is a much anticipated end to the week, and they
love spending it together.
This Thanksgiving...
We encourage you to be thoughtful in how you might engage with
others in our community, and that you might find satisfaction in a
renewed or enhanced purpose with your family this season and all
year.
We hope that when your family meets around the table this holiday
season, noisy or quiet as it might be, you too will give thanks for
your most valued treasure: those who are there with you.
We are thankful for this family and other families who are changing
our world for the better, one child at a time.
If you want to know more about parenting, foster care, adoption, or
how to support local families in these processes, you can visit the
resources listed below this article.
Resources:
You can learn more about how to help families in Logan County with
foster care and adoptions, and find many helpful resources through
the organization Woven Together
http://woven
togetherlogancounty.org
Woven Together (501-C-3 not for profit status pending) hosts
fundraisers each year. The next fundraiser is the Charity Ball in
February and there are some things that you can do to help right
now. See
http://woventogetherlogan
county.org/events-2/charity-ball/silent-auction-baskets/
Christian Alliance for Orphans offers numerous opportunities and
resources https://cafo.org
Empowered to Connect (ETC)
http://empowered toconnect.org the Gowins found this
program and it resources to be an excellent training program. The
ETC material is adapted and designed especially for parents and
caregivers of "kids from hard places."
The ETC approach has been created with the help of Dr. Karyn Purvis
from TCU's Institute of Child
Development.
Learn more and continue to follow the Gowins at
gowinfamily.com
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