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But, lest we get over-whelmed by nostalgia, we also understand
that holiday family gatherings sometimes fall far short of
expectations. This shortfall has several causes:
1.
Great expectations risk great disappointments. It possible to dream
beyond what can possibly come to pass. The let-down of unrealized
expectations can push toward depressing depths.
2. Many
families are amazingly complex. Your family may include in-laws,
former in-laws, alienation between certain family members, and
schedule complications that make gatherings incomplete, tense, or
even explosive. Tension within the family may be fed by unresolved
arguments or feuds that create moderate difficulty when people don't
see each other, but the same-room encounter of Christmas gatherings
may feed an eruption of long-smoldering anger.
3.
Different generations are likely to have difference expectations.
Small children may have no interest in anything beyond the opening
the goodies under the tree, then playing with them, and perhaps
destroying them. Pre-teens may seem pre-occupied by their mobile
game devices. Teen-agers may be burdened by the fact that the family
is not "cool" enough to warrant their presence. They may be chafing
at the family demands to be "home" when they would far prefer to be
hanging out with their friends. Young couples in love may be happy
to be celebrated by older family members, but their endurance of
family traditions may wear thin quickly. Middle-aged adults may have
arrived at the Christmas gathering already exhausted from travel,
shopping, wrapping, getting the house ready, cooking the meal,
getting things "just right", and trying to keep diversions from
getting out of control. Adults of greater age may relish watching
the younger folks, even while being dismayed by the values and
behaviors of the cascading generations.
4.
Beliefs about the holidays may also experience a collision. Some
members may be deeply committed to the religious roots of Christmas
(or Chanukah) while others may prefer not to be diverted from a
thoroughly secularized winter holiday. Each extreme is likely to
find the other extremely annoying.
Does this kaleidoscope of emotions and expectations sound familiar
to you? Please do not despair. here are some suggestions for a
better experience of togetherness at Christmas.
1.
Talk with your family about Holiday expectations. The problem with
great expectations is often that they are silent dreams, deeply
wished for, but never spoken aloud. Discussing one's expectations
may enable partnership, and even provide modification and greater
possibility of the dreams becoming reality. Such discussion may also
enable more pro-active behavior to actually produce desired
outcomes, in contrast to passively waiting and then being
disappointed.
2.
Family complexities cannot be undone by simple strokes. But you may
be able to work around some of the problems. If you are the host,
you are not responsible for resolving ongoing disputes between
members of the clan, but you can invite combatants to check their
battles at the door. If necessary, declare your home a "No Drama
Zone." In those instances where in-law commitments seem to intrude
on getting the whole family together, notice how much you are
annoyed by the other families that are inflexible regarding everyone
being with their family at certain times. Vow that YOU will not be
that annoyingly inflexible in-law.
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3.
Generational differences need not be minimized. In fact, they may be
capitalized. Our longer life-spans and great mobility make possible
more diverse gatherings than in past generations. Most of the
celebration time need not be intense togetherness. Let the little
ones have their time with their new "things," encouraging
cross-generational conversation by "show-and-tell" times.
Adolescents and pre-adolescents may become more incorporated if they
are invited to help develop some of the events, especially if their
tech skills can contribute to the fun. The more sociable family
members may use their skills to help kinfolk talk about what has
happened since the last gathering. Adults of all ages may appreciate
being given the option to just relax, without needing to be "on" all
the time. One special note here: A discreet use of alcoholic
beverages is part of the holiday tradition in some families. This
may enhance the celebration. However, if there are family members
for whom alcohol abuse is a problem, much good cheer may be undone
by drunken behavior. Try to know where the danger lies and make
plans to intervene with grace before a problem erupts.
4. If
the gathering offers potential for a "Belief Battle", you may note
that your beliefs don't require that everyone else in the room has
to agree with you. In fact, if your beliefs about the "true meaning
of Christmas" focus on the one who was called "The Prince of Peace,"
you may honor him by the peaceful, loving spirit that reflects the
one you adore. You can celebrate the spirit of your holiday by
showing interest in the diverse values of the person who is so
different in perspective. Showing interest in the viewpoint of
another person is a way of valuing that other person.
Everyone seems to want everyone else to have a Merry Christmas,
Happy Holidays, or some other event of good cheer. Careful attention
to the life-values and relational values that make the holiday a
meaningful time for you will put you in a good frame of mind for
enjoying getting the entire family home for the holidays.
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