How
to stay married while doing a major renovation
By Dr. Paul Boatman |
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[October 08, 2016]
The Money Pit, a 1986 comedy film has achieved
nearly classic status, not because it was an especially good movie,
but because it hooks into several emotional issues most of us
encounter. Themes of marriage and divorce, unrealistic dreams,
unscrupulous professionals in "service" fields, all intersect to
have Tom Hanks and Shelley Long going ever deeper into debt while
being driven further and further apart. Surely, you and your beloved
would not be trapped like this, . . . or could you.
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 In four decades of counseling couples I have frequently seen
marital crises occurring right at the moment when the couple thought
they were on the threshold of "happily ever after." Several faulty
assumptions recur:
1. A new or improved home will make our marriage better
The improved setting may enable us to think we are doing better, but
it may really just briefly distract us from our troubled
relationship.
2. The right house or perfect remodel will bring happiness
The fallacy of happiness through having the right stuff pervades our
culture and fires our economy, but unhappiness persists.
3. I know what will make my partner happy
Acting on assumptions without consulting with our partners often
leads to costly bad decisions. The assumption really says, "My
partner will be happy if I am happy."
4. Short-term borrowing is better than waiting for years to get
what we want
Once the decision is made to accumulate costly short-term debt to
finance a project, a couple may get into a spiral that makes credit
card debt a major budget item, even long-term debt. Other priorities
are delayed because of the cost of previous impulse.
5. My spouse can put life on-hold for the remodel time
We often misjudge our partner's needs for privacy and "space"
without the unpredictable and extended intrusion of "strangers in
our midst."
6. Saving money by "do-it-yourself" is always good
There are many skilled craftsmen who are not professionals. But
there are many others who are not good judges of their own
abilities, and many spouses who do not appreciate a "that's good
enough" approach.
7. My buddy or brother-in-law would be happy to do this job for
us
Such non-professional relationships leave us vulnerable
unpredictable debt, unreliable work, and potentially awkward
relationships . . . with the two spouses torn by conflicted
loyalties. To protect your marriage from a project-centered
disaster, there are several steps you can take:
1. Regularly reflect on and renew your marriage covenant. What you
are to each other and what you are committed to is a higher priority
than any household project.
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 2. Patiently work to achieve agreement on every project, detail,
and cost related to remodeling.
3. Replace quid pro quo "I get this if you get that" - with - "How
can I be sure that this will benefit my partner?"
4. Pay cash. This has several advantages.
- You place a realistic ceiling on the expense, avoiding
impulsive ballooning of costs.
- You have an answer when the contractor says, "I can fix-up
that extra room for another $10,000."
- You think the project through more thoroughly when you take
time to save money ahead of time.
- You also work through your priorities when you take more
time before the project begins.
5. Think long-term in any project. Hopefully a project will
both enhance your life and enhance your property value. However,
in fluid housing markets, improved property values are
unpredictable. Things we see as investments, may be seen merely
as timely upgrades. On the other hand, if the project improves
the satisfaction that your home provides to you over the next
five years, that may make it a wise investment.
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