You Better Not Cry: Helping Kids Manage Their Fears of Saint Nick

 

[December 22, 2019] 

Photos of crying kids on Santa’s lap may be popular on Facebook, but steps can be taken to ease fears about meeting jolly old Saint Nicholas, avoid the tears and preserve a healthy level of caution around strangers, a Springfield-based therapist says.

“The point is for it to be a fun moment for everyone involved,” said Jonathan Ponser, manager for children and family therapy at Memorial Behavioral Health, an affiliate of Springfield-based Memorial Health System. “I understand the societal pressure to get that picture and that photo op.”

Parents need not be concerned if their young children who otherwise revere Santa and enjoy seeing the jolly old elf in books or on television exhibit anxiety when they are a few feet away from a large, heavy-set man in a red fur suit, Ponser said.

The intensity of the situation can produce skittishness and even fear, both of which aren’t necessarily a bad thing, he said. And relatives shouldn’t force a child to sit on Santa’s lap, just as they shouldn’t force children to hug or kiss other relatives they barely know or are not close with, he said.

“We want to teach that ‘this is my body, and I get to choose how I express intimacy,’” Ponser said. “In general, it’s not a great message that you have to show some level of intimacy.”

Parents can reduce children’s queasiness by talking in the days and weeks before a visit with Santa about how he is someone who is friendly and kind, Ponser said. Parents also can discuss what will happen during the visit, he said.

At the time of the visit, parents should talk with Santa first and shake hands — while their children look on — to show Santa is someone who can be trusted, Ponser said.

If children still are reluctant to approach Santa, parents shouldn’t push the issue, he said.

Allowing a child to stand next to Santa, rather than sit on his lap for a picture, is perfectly acceptable, Ponser said. So is backing out of the visit altogether, even when the parent and child are next in line to see Santa, he said.

“There’s always going to be next year,” Ponser said. “It’s better to go slow. Be willing to meet them where they’re at.”

However, parents shouldn’t encourage their children to avoid visits with Santa or other age-appropriate situations, according to Dr. Victor Fornari, director of child and adolescent psychiatry at Zucker Hillside Hospital in Long Island, New York.

That’s because such a practice can interfere with emotional development, especially if they are among the 10% of children with an anxiety disorder, Fornari said.

Cousins Jase Woodbury, left, and Jensen Champion aren’t too pleased with their encounter with Santa Claus at a Cookies with Santa event at Abraham Lincoln Memorial Hospital in Lincoln, Illinois, on Dec. 9. Jase is the son of Erika Chapman and Jeremy Woodbury of Clinton; Jensen is the son of Emily and Alex Champion of Lincoln.

Instead, parents should offer “gentle support” to their kids and “encourage them to face their fears and learn to regulate those situations,” Fornari said.

Springfield resident Shayne Squires said her son, Trevor, who is 19, believed in Santa as a child and looked forward to getting gifts from him on Christmas.

“He just didn’t want to have anything to do with Santa,” Squires said, and the boy never worried that Santa didn’t have a chance to hear his list of gift requests first-hand.

Squires said her son told her that Santa “knows what I want.”

As a result, Squires and her husband, Mike, never were able to get a childhood picture of Trevor with Santa. The couple thought they convinced their son to visit with Santa when Trevor was 3, and Trevor even got in line to visit him.

But when it was Trevor’s turn, his nerves got the best of him.

“He said, ‘No, I’m not going,’” Shayne Squires recalled.

The boy then flattened his body on the floor, face down, so he couldn’t be nudged forward where Santa sat in his chair.

Shayne Squires’ husband took a picture of Trevor on the floor to honor the occasion. Santa ended up getting up from his chair to give the boy a candy cane. Trevor thanked him, and the family left.

Trevor “wasn’t traumatized or anything, but he never had any desire to sit on Santa’s lap,” Squires said. “We didn’t push it. For us, it wasn’t that important.”

Squires said she finally snapped a photo of her son standing next to Santa — four years ago, when he was 15.

[Memorial Health Systems]