Memorial Day

Memorial Day 2019
After his own loss, a Gold Star father helps others cope with tragedy
By Dr. Mark DePue

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[May 25, 2019]  For most Americans, Memorial Day is little more than a three-day weekend and a chance to fire up the grill. Some of us will take time out to remember our loved ones who have passed away, often decorating their graves with flowers or keepsakes. Many of us will take a moment to honor our veterans in some way.

For Jim Frazier, however, Memorial Day has a much deeper meaning, one closer to what its founders intended. Jim Frazier is a Gold Star father. His son Jacob was killed in action while serving with a Special Forces ‘A’ Team in Afghanistan on March 9, 2003.

Jim is intensely proud of his son, and of his service to this country. He vividly remembers their last face-to-face conversation when Jake dropped by the house to say goodbye in January 2003. Jake was sitting in his car, ready to depart for Peoria to catch his flight overseas when he told his father, “I want to go hunt down and catch the people responsible for killing three thousand of our citizens.”

That comment surprised and deeply impressed Jim. “I’m like, wow! Holy cow,” he recalls.

Jim, a Marine from the Vietnam era, then felt compelled to offer up some fatherly advice. “Being the thick-headed old Marine that I am, I said, hey, a couple of things, pal. Keep your weapon clean, cover your buddies’ backs, always have good socks, and keep your head down. I want you to come home safe.”



Then came the comment that Jim will never forget. “Okay, Pops, I will,” Jake said, “but if I don’t, I’ll see you on the other side.” In recounting the story, Jim repeated that phrase. “‘I’ll see you on the other side’ – I’ll never forget that,” he said.

There were a lot of emails and phone calls over the next couple of months. Jake enjoyed telling his dad about what he was doing, about being the new guy on the team. “I love this job,” Jake once said in a matter-of-fact way.

“He loved who he was with, the fact that he was with those ALPHA teams, the Special Forces teams,” Jim said.

Then came the fateful day when Jim received a phone call at 9:15 a.m. from an Air Force officer informing him that Jake had been wounded. For the next several hours Jim scoured the internet and checked the news channels to find out more information, slowly collecting facts that led him to conclude the worst – Jake had been killed. By the time his fears were confirmed, the whole family had gathered. The next few days were a blur, a very painful blur.

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Jim took some comfort when three of Jake’s teammates came to visit the family after they returned to the states. Jim cherished his time with them, learning how they embraced Jake into their brotherhood.

“They trusted him with their lives, like he trusted his life to them,” Jim said during an interview with the Oral History Program at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. “To hear them talk about his professionalism and his eagerness. They all said the same thing. They said he was eager to learn anything we would teach him. … He wanted to do more and more and more. He loved that. That was his thing. That warms your heart. I could see, hear and feel sincerity coming from them.”

In the months following Jake’s death, Jim attended several funerals for other Illinoisans killed in combat, often meeting Lt. Governor Pat Quinn there as well. For the next few years, he went through a very dark time in his own life, a deep funk from which he did not emerge until 2009.

Since then, Jim has worked with other Gold Star families. He finds great satisfaction in helping others cope with their own loss and pain. He’s been there. He knows their pain. He understands their deep-seated need to talk about their son or daughter.

“I’m able to help people every day, and I’m with the people that I care about,” said Jim, who is now the northern Illinois coordinator for Survivor Outreach Services. “I’m with survivors.”

His work will never bring his son back, but he knows Jake would appreciate what he is doing. Finally, he is comforted by the knowledge that someday he’ll meet Jake again “on the other side.”

[DePue is the Director of Oral History at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. You can listen to Jim’s entire story at www.oralhistory.illinois.gov.]

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