Laura on Life

The Inner Life of a Young Boy, Foiled Again!

By Laura Snyder

[February 13, 2008]  I hear footsteps in the hallway. It's the big people. Maybe, if I pretend I don't hear them, they'll let me sleep. It's still dark outside, after all. It can't be time to get up yet! It's never dark when I'm in school, so I think my parents must be playing a joke on me.

Uh-oh. It's the old sniffing-my-ears-like-a-puppy-dog trick. If I can just keep a straight face and not giggle, they might give up and go away. Too late. A giggle happened. That makes me so mad!

I wonder what they do when I'm at school all day. They probably have a big party with ice cream and cookies. That explains why they are so tired all the time.

Maybe if I act sick, I can stay home and have some cookies, too. Let's see, how do sick people look on Sponge Bob? No wait, those aren't real people. How about Shaggy and Timmy Turner? I know! The sides of their mouth go down, their eyes get skinny and they look green. Well, I can't do anything about the green, but I can do the mouth and eyes. Here it goes...

Why are they laughing? I'm supposed to be sick! They're heartless! You shouldn't laugh at sick people! Maybe the green part is more important than I thought.

Now they are starting to take the blankets off me and talking in a singing voice. Don't they know that stuff's for babies? I'm not a baby. I'm 6 years old!

What if I roll off the bed and onto the floor? I could pretend I can't stand up ... Ouch! OK, seriously, that hurt.

What's this? They're cuddling me now. It must be something about the tears. I gotta learn how to do that without hurting myself first. How did I end up on my feet? That wasn't supposed to happen. The hug feels good though, so I'll let them win this time ... but I refuse to go to the bathroom. No way!

I hear water running in the kitchen. A toilet flushes. Someone's taking a shower. Suddenly, going to the bathroom sounds like a really great idea! That's as far as I'm going, though. Nothing can get me to go into the kitchen.

Did I just hear the toaster pop up? Someone's making Pop-Tarts! There's only one blueberry Pop-Tart left! I'd better hurry and put some pants on if I want the last blueberry Pop-Tart! I'll skip the underwear 'cause it takes too long.

Finding my pants is taking too long, too. I know! Dibs!

"Don't eat the blueberry Pop-Tart! I call dibs!"

Dibs is sacred. Nobody would dare eat the blueberry Pop-Tart now.

...I can't believe somebody ate the blueberry Pop-Tart! It wasn't even one of us kids. It was a grown-up. I can't even yell at them. Don't they get enough ice cream and cookies? Why do they have to eat my Pop-Tart?

Wait a minute! I see Fruity Pebbles! My favorite! I hope I still have time to eat some before someone notices that I wore the same shirt yesterday.

Yesterday! I wonder if the mail lady came. I hope she ran over the Hot Wheels cars I left for her. She just missed them yesterday. How am I going to find out what's inside of them if she doesn't run over them with her truck? I'm not allowed to use a hammer anymore.

I gotta go and check on my cars. By the time anyone notices that I didn't eat all my Pebbles, I'll be outside already.

...Why do they always wait until I already have my coat and shoes on before they say, "Wait just a minute. You need socks and a different shirt before you are ready for school ... Are you wearing any underwear?"

School? Aw, man! I forgot about school.

"Did you eat all of your breakfast?"

Aw, man! Why did I get out of bed?

[By LAURA SNYDER]

You can reach the writer at [e-mail] Or visit www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her books.

Editor's note: If you enjoy this feature, click here: