 Have you ever seen a commercial about a prescription drug that touts
"absolutely no side effects!"? That's the drug I'm looking for.
Instead they keep making drugs that have side effects that are worse
than the ailment you want the drug to alleviate.For example, a
prescription for cold sores may have side effects that include
dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, abnormal vision, athlete's foot, lazy
eye, buck teeth, hemorrhoids, the desire to bet on long shots,
increased sexual urges and certain death.
A patient might think she is on a game show: "Let's see. Should I
trade my cold sore for what's behind Door 1? What if Door 1 is lazy
eye and hemorrhoids? I'd rather keep my cold sore, I think."
What if you did shop for prescriptions based on their side
effects? In a recent -- nowhere near scientific -- poll I conducted,
80 percent of men considered getting their wives on a certain drug
because it stated the side effects included increased sexual urges.
Fortunately, 90 percent of them reconsidered because it was a drug
for promoting prostate health. The other 10 percent are now widowers
and are taking a drug in which the side effects include a
nonexistent libido.
I submit that if the drug manufacturers cannot make a drug that
does not have side effects, perhaps they could make them with side
effects that would be considered beneficial to most people.
For example, the side effects for a drug might include small
facial pores, stronger nail beds, the elimination of stretch marks,
the urge to clean out your refrigerator, an increased aptitude for
electronics and the ability to leap tall buildings in a single
bound.
I'd buy that drug! So what if it's for kidney stones... which is
something I don't have.
I noticed, also, that the people who make commercials for
prescription drugs never seem to cast the right sort of people to
represent their product.
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 One commercial I saw recently depicted a guy with a beer belly, 5
o'clock shadow and plumber's butt. His line was, "I'm tired of being
embarrassed about my plaque psoriasis." Come on! This guy doesn't
concern himself with changing his underwear regularly; why would he
be embarrassed about the way his skin looks?
They need to use a Miss America wannabe or someone who really
needs a way to control their plaque psoriasis. If they are going to
use a guy, they need to use someone who makes his own bed and
organizes his closet by colors. That guy would be embarrassed about
a skin imperfection.
If the drug manufacturers don't get some researchers who
understand life outside of their job, and if they continue to make
drugs that have so many side effects, the general public is going to
start making up diseases just so they can get their doctors to
prescribe the drug that has the side effects they desire.
"I know, doctor, it doesn't make sense, but I swear, every time I
use the bathroom, I have leg spasms and the urge to eat tree bark.
This may not seem like a dangerous disease, but I can tell you that
the trees in my backyard will disagree. They are almost completely
naked now, and because of the leg spasms, my bathroom needs major
Clorox therapy. My neighbors are worried that I'll start on their
trees when I'm finished with my own, and to tell you the truth, that
blue spruce in their front yard is looking mighty tasty. Don't you
think you should start me on that drug that has the side effects of
nausea and decreased appetite?"
"Well, Mrs. Snyder, I have one that has absolutely no side
effects. You could try that one."
"What? No side effects? How am I supposed to lose weight with
that?"
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com. Or visit
www.lauraonlife.com for
more columns and info about her new book.
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