Laura on Life

Children who go bump in the night

By Laura Snyder

[April 22, 2009]  I'm a pretty light sleeper. Most people who have children have taught themselves to sleep with one ear open. This is because when you have children, the "fun" doesn't stop when the lights go out.

This is because children do not know the difference between night and day even after they reach adolescence. In their children's first few months of life, Mom and Dad desperately try to get them to sleep through the night. The effort, of course, keeps us awake all night. When they reach the teenage years, we try in vain to keep them awake during the day, which ... makes us tired too.

In 25 years of parenthood, I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually slept through the entire night. My children do much better than that, but there are five of them. So even if an incident happened only once a week to each of them, that would cover the weeknights. The two days that are remaining, I spend lying awake thinking about what might happen. It's a mom thing.

The reasons for this nocturnal madness are many:

• "I think I'm going to be sick!" is a common complaint and the one a parent least wants to hear at 2 a.m.
  
  Compassion dictates that you don't say what you really want to say here: "Well, don't puke in my bedroom."
  
  Or, "Hie yourself to the bathroom and camp out there until you're not contagious."
  
  Or, "OK, fine. Turn around and I'll push the magic button on the back of your head that makes you all better."
  
  Or, "So you're going to be sick. Did you need an audience?"
  
  No, instead, you drag your exhausted carcass out of bed, put your arm around your sick child, watching carefully for signs of heaving, and escort him to the bathroom before he erupts on your new carpet.

• "I had a nightmare."
  
  It is a well-known fact that Mom and Dad's bed is a nightmare-free zone and is open to any child who is being spooked by boogeymen. Parents themselves have propagated this myth, so it's our own fault that we have children jumping in and out of our bed at odd hours of the night.

• "I have a loose tooth."

• "I'm too cold."

• "I'm too hot."

• "I heard a noise."

• "My pillow is wet."

• "My (insert body part of choice) hurts."

• And a perennial favorite, "I can't sleep."
  
  "Well, thanks to you, I can't either. Have you tried lying down with your eyes closed and your mouth shut? Because I'm no expert, but it seems to me that you could probably sleep better if you weren't wandering around with your eyes open and talking to people who were already ASLEEP!"
  
  I know. I know. A good mommy would've asked "Why?" Well, I'm not that good a mommy. What do I look like? A psychotherapist? I don't care why, I just want to sleep!

This nocturnal activity is not limited to my children, either. I was blessed with a husband who has his share of nighttime hallucinations. They are never quiet ones, either.

He'll sit straight up in bed, dragging my blankets with him, and say something guaranteed to keep me awake, like: "There's a spider in the bed."

Last night, while sleeping in our own bed, in our own bedroom, my blankets jerked, and I woke up knowing that he was having a "moment." I looked over my shoulder to find out what new adventure we were headed for tonight. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked, "What are you doing here?"

[By LAURA SNYDER]

Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at [e-mail] or visit www.lauraonlife.com for more info.