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 Only after they have decided to take this trip do the teachers
realize that if a couple of kids don't make it back, their parents
might be miffed.
We all know who those kids are most likely to be:
the ADHD kid who has to see just how far he can lean over a rail
before plummeting to the ground; the impulsive boy, trying to
impress the girls, carves his name in a piece of furniture of
historical significance; the girl who has never learned to respect
herself and pulls her shirt up so that everyone, especially the
boys, can see her new push-up bra.
These are also the kids who make chaperoning a chore, because
they are not on the field trip to learn and experience something
new. This is a social event -- a new venue for seeing just how far
they can go before a chaperone narcs on them.
Those of us who do not have a 9-to-5 job feel obligated to go
along and save the students from their own folly, or worse, an
untimely demise, and in doing so we may save the school from a
grisly lawsuit.
Since many eight-graders only have half a brain, taking them to a
museum of any kind is like taking a blind man to an art gallery.
I understand that we are trying to "expand their minds," but
perhaps we should start with films that show the effects of people
falling out of five-story buildings. We should have them restore a
200-year-old antique that had been vandalized. They should attend
seminars given by promiscuous women whose lives were ruined by their
own actions. That should expand their minds.
Yes, this is the responsibility of the kids' parents.
Ultimately, parents are the ones who should be sure that their
offspring can be trusted to do nothing on a field trip that would
get them arrested or killed. However, many adults still act like
middle schoolers. You probably work with one of them. Thank goodness
these people are too irresponsible to ever consider volunteering to
chaperone a field trip.
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 So I went. Each chaperone was given a sticker to wear that said
"Chaperone" in big red letters, just in case there was any doubt.
Most people would have been able to tell by the receding hairlines,
the bags under our eyes and the fact that we were at least a foot
taller than the units that needed to be chaperoned.
Because eighth-graders only have half a brain, we had to separate
the genders: girls in the back of the bus, boys in the front. In
spite of this, there were still boys making reconnaissance forays
into the girl territory on the premise of needing to use the bus
bathroom. The girls reacted like a pack of hungry wolves
encountering fresh meat. The boys loved it.
Separating genders would be considered unconstitutional, and
therefore illegal, in the real world, but, as I tell my kids, middle
school is not the real world. In fact, it's simply a nightmare,
nothing more. They'll forget all about it after a sufficient amount
of therapy. What would be illegal, however, is allowing an
atmosphere where two underaged kids could have sex in the back of
the bus while cell phones took videos to post on YouTube.
As a chaperone, it is my job to make sure that no child is left
behind, no child ends up in jail and no child is conceived on the
field trip.
Nope. Not happenin'. Not on my watch.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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