 I thought that maybe one of these years I could have a day off on
Christmas. We could give it back to the child whose birthday we are
supposed to be celebrating. I wouldn't mind having a different day.
Maybe a warmer day? In July, perhaps?OK, maybe that's asking too
much. I didn't consider all the songs that would have to be changed
if, rather than coming on a sleigh and wearing a furry red suit and
snow boots, Santa came on a surfboard in Bermuda shorts. I can
continue to come in the winter with a few changes:
First, I need to deck out my ride. I need a sleigh cab with
central heat and a hot chocolate dispenser. Also, Mrs. Claus has
patched up my red suit so many times I look like a Siberian refugee.
So, I was thinking, how 'bout you all pitch in and buy me a new
set of threads? I was thinking maybe a forest green insulated
tuxedo. What do you think? I could switch to a lime green silk
smoking jacket when I get to the tropics.
Speaking of the tropics, would it be too much to ask for a
tropical vacation for me and the Mrs., after I do my job? Maybe I
wouldn't get so much flack from my wife for working so many hours if
I could promise her a vacation somewhere warm.
Speaking of warm, my wife wants a hot tub for Christmas. Those
are pretty hard to come by at the North Pole. I asked my elves to
see what they could do, but the best they could come up with was a
cross between a Malibu Barbie pool and a coffee maker. Instead of
milk and cookies, maybe one of you can put a hot tub out for me to
take home. Make sure there is a big bow on it, though; otherwise,
she'll think I stole it.
About that milk and cookies: I want to know which one of you
started the rumor that I like milk and cookies. When I find out who
you are, you are getting nothing but Barry Manilow CDs in your
stocking for the next 50 years! Just once I'd like to see a fifth of
vodka and a bag of beef jerky waiting for me. I'd even settle for
roast beef and mashed potatoes. You can skip the corn on the cob,
though. It gets stuck in my beard, and the reindeer will want to
nibble.
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 They like the carrots that some of you put out for them, but
they'd move a lot faster for me if you gave them jalapeno peppers.
That's like high-octane fuel for reindeer. Riding behind them after
they've eaten jalapeno peppers isn't necessarily safe, though.
Processed through a reindeer, jalapenos are highly combustible. If
their hooves nick the metal harness, flames shoot out their rear.
Comet is particularly susceptible. Another reason I could use a cab
on my sleigh.
Those reindeer will eat just about anything, though. They are not
picky. If you wondered why Rudolph's nose was shiny, it's because I
left my vodka out in the barn. I would have let Lawrence come that
night if it weren't for the fog. Lawrence is Cupid's son. He has
separation anxiety and his stall was knee-deep in reindeer muck when
we got back. I made Rudolph clean it up.
If you ever consider getting anything for me for Christmas, here
is my list:
-
A beard trimmer.
(Mrs. Claus thinks if I trimmed my beard, I would look just like
Brad Pitt.)
-
Power tools. (The
elves have requested this.)
-
Flat-screen TV and
a Blu-ray player. (Do I need a reason?)
-
A bathing suit.
(For the tropical vacation.)
-
Oh... and world peace.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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