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Biographer Gary Winkler, a local author who spent countless hours with England and her family, says England's family has closed ranks, hoping to protect her
-- and themselves. He said he has mixed feelings about her. "Some days I liked her. Some days I hated her," he says. "Some days I thought she should be in prison still, and some days I felt sorry for her." England, who's put on a little weight and let her hair grow since mugging for the camera, says she struggles with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. Antidepressants help, and she has learned to deal with personal insults much as she dealt with the horrors of war: She just got used to it. England says the most painful jab came in a note from a stranger who suggested her mother "shoot herself for raising somebody like me, and that I should kill my baby and kill myself, or give up my child for adoption, because the way I was raised they didn't want him to turn into some evil monster, too. "... and then at the end of it they were like, 'Oh, God bless you,'" she adds with a wry laugh. As a teenager, England hunted squirrels and fantasized about becoming a storm chaser. As a woman, she has more worries than dreams. She worries about whether she's a good mother to her 4-year-old son, Carter. "Normal moms have jobs. They get up, they take their kids to school, they go to work, they come home, they cook, they clean, they do all that," she says. "I'm home all day." She says she submitted hundreds of resumes for all kinds of jobs, but no one would give her a chance. She stopped trying months ago and depends on welfare and her parents to get by. She also fears for her life, though she's 4,000 miles from Iraq: "I'm paranoid about that one guy who still hates me." Even if she could go back and change something, England says she wouldn't. If she hadn't met Graner, she says, she wouldn't have her son, the one bright spot from an otherwise dark time. "I couldn't have Carter exactly as he is without anybody else except Graner," she says, "so to me that's the whole reason for me meeting him." What she wants most now is what most mothers want: to give her child a good life. And as for herself? "I don't think beyond day to day." ___ On the Net: England's book: http://www.badapplebooks.com/
[Associated
Press;
Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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