 All of these influences created the woman she is today. She speaks
fluent German, but also speaks English without an accent, with the
exception of a few words that she still can't wrap her tongue
around.Mom has the illogical, stubborn German side of her, which
also gives her a keen sense of the obvious. However, the
impractical, but frugal Polish influence makes her collect strange
things and celebrate Dingus Day by dousing her husband with the hose
and chasing him around the yard with a willow switch.
The Polish influence has not taken over to the extent that she
props up pink flamingos in her yard, but she does have an impressive
display of garden gnomes, which she calls Gartenzwerg because that's
German. My favorite is the one taking a leak into her crocuses.
Gartenzwerg are apparently not shy.
My dad's redneck influence, combined with her difficulty with
some words, makes her say things that make no sense. When she gets a
charley horse she says she's got a "crap in her leg." "Britches" is
a word my father used for pants. It was common when my kids were
babies for my mom to hand my baby back to me because he had "wet his
bridges." She still calls her jeans "dungarees" as if she had even
once mucked out a horse stall.
Still, much as I hate to admit it, there is at least one thing my
mom and I have in common. As we age, we have to carry more things
around with us, and our purses reflect that trend. It's a kind of
bag lady mentality, I guess. However, our purses do not get bigger
to accommodate the extra stuff. No, we just get better at packing
them. The only difference between us and a bag lady appears to be
the shopping cart.
Thirty years ago, I carried my wallet, my car key, lip gloss and
a comb. But my life has expanded in so many ways since then and so
has my purse. I now carry my car keys, but also my son's car keys,
in case he loses his, plus house keys, work keys, safe keys, post
office keys and keys that open my 12-year-old's piggy bank.
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My mom carries two sets of car keys, in case she loses one, and two
house keys, one for the North house and one for the South house.
Also on her keychain is a brass German flag insignia, a metal plate
with her name on it -- just in case she ever forgets her name -- a
flashlight and a tiny can of mace. German, Polish, redneck -- it's
all there. I have four pens in my purse, in case three of them
fail me, I guess. There are receipts that date back to the Cold War,
my checkbook, 400 store discount cards, a coupon for a kid's meal at
Panera Bread that my daughter won at school and we'll probably never
use, random barrettes, Lego pieces, Game Boy cartridges, a makeup
case because you never know when I'll need to put my makeup on in
the grocery store or in transit, my purple cell phone and a pink
digital camera, both of which take pictures. I wonder sometimes when
I'll ever have a need to take two pictures at the same time, but,
hey, just in case.
Although I've never actually been through my mom's purse, I've
seen her go through it to try to find something. The pens are at the
bottom. She's probably up to 10 or 11 by now, but they are not worth
digging out when she can just ask me for one. There is the
ever-present coupon for 20 percent off at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Watching her trying to pull her receipt-stuffed wallet out of her
purse is like watching her assist a walrus giving birth. "I see the
corner! Watch for the change purse! You have to maneuver slowly to
account for the clasp! That's it, you've got it! Now BREATHE! And
PULL! It's out! Congratulations, you have a baby Gucci knockoff!"
She also has a full-scale makeup compartment for the same reason
I do, I assume, along with a full-size umbrella (impressive!), an
air freshener, a can of Lysol, a flat-tire emergency repair kit and
her kitchen sink, which no purse would be complete without.
It's no wonder that little old German, Polish, redneck women have
hunched backs.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info. |
