Laura on Life

Dear Daughter

By Laura Snyder

[September 16, 2009]  I am writing because I don't know how to warn you without making it sound like you are somehow incompetent. However, I just can't take the chance of letting you make this particular mistake.

You were ever the most sweet, gentle, good-natured child. You wouldn't hurt a flea even if it bit you. I've always been so proud of that -- boasted about it, even. It has always been a characteristic to celebrate. You were always so eager to please and you've always done your best to forestall any displeasure because you hated confrontations.

You are the best daughter anyone could ever ask for. Unfortunately, you are also an abusive man's dream come true.

It's very easy to take advantage of your goodness, and anyone who is less than a real man will exploit that goodness and consider it a weakness. He will hurt you in every way possible unless you are strong enough to walk away from him.

Don't think for one minute that anyone who really loves you will love you less if you stand up for what you believe. If you disagree with someone, say so. You have the right to say to me or anyone else that you don't agree, and you have the right to walk or run away from anyone who touches you in anger.

There is a little-known truth that mothers may forget to tell their daughters until it is too late. I will tell you this now, while you are still young, and hope that you will remember it when you need to. Anyone, I mean anyone, who calls you a name that you would not call your grandmother or hurts you physically in any way will never stop doing it. In fact, if you continue to hang around him after it happens, he will continue to call you worse names and hurt you worse as time goes on.

Daughter, you need to know that no matter how many apologies, kisses, hugs or promises he makes, it will make no difference. He will never stop. You need to get away from such a man the very first time it happens and never, ever go back. This is a man you should be afraid of. His behavior is not because of something you did. His manner should be respectful no matter what he thinks you did wrong. This is not a man that you can "fix" with enough love. This is a man who has no control over himself and seeks to control you. He will one day hurt even your children.

This type of man will try to control you through your sweet emotions. He will cry, he will beg, and he will expect you to take him back just as a 2-year-old throws a tantrum and expects to get his way. He will take advantage of your loathing for confrontations and your need for peace at any cost. You must not let this happen! There are things that are worth fighting for.

Dear Daughter, you are so kind and you have such a deep capacity for love, but you must draw a clear line inside your heart that nobody should be allowed to cross. It is not love to allow someone to hurt you. It is not love to hurt someone. You need to acknowledge the truth of any physical or mental abuse. This includes any inappropriate behavior that is done in anger or spite. A pinch done in anger will only bruise, but what is worse is that the pinch will become a punch one day, which will eventually become a pummeling if you don't leave him after the pinch.

The guy you are looking for will put your interests before his own. A guy who really loves you will not only say he would die to protect you, but he actually would. Most of all, a guy who really loves you would never, ever hurt you.

Remember that what a man says doesn't count half as much as what he does. He will say anything if he thinks it will get you to do what he wants you to do. He might even beg you with tears in his eyes. Harden your soft, sweet heart against this man, Daughter. You cannot fix an abuser. They do not ever get better.

Remember:

1. A man who talks like he's on speed is a liar trying to cover up lies.

2. A man who tries to make friends with total strangers but doesn't like your friends or family is hiding his true self.

3. A man who doesn't like children is someone you can't trust. He is uncomfortable around innocence, which is why he will destroy yours.

4. A man of whom children are frightened is downright scary.

5. A man who hurts an animal will hurt people.

6. A man who tries to rush you into marriage for any reason has an ulterior motive. There is never a good reason to get married in a hurry. Yes, I mean that... NEVER.

Dear Daughter, I love you so very much and it would absolutely break my heart to know that you belonged to a person who mistreated you. Choose wisely when you choose someone to spend your love on. Always remember that it is your choice with whom you spend your life, and you must not give your precious gifts to someone who doesn't deserve them.

You have only one life and you will never get back a single moment. Choose to spend all your moments with someone who is honorable, trustworthy and kind. Someone who loves you and would never hurt you no matter how angry he gets.

One more thing, Daughter: If your closest friends and family don't like him, there is a very good reason. Don't fool yourself into thinking that they are all wrong, because the probability of all of them being wrong is as slim as the line between love and hate.

[By LAURA SNYDER]

Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at [e-mail] or visit www.lauraonlife.com for more info.