Laura on Life

One day...

By Laura Snyder

[February 17, 2010]  I woke up not knowing what day it was. My daughter, who was the one responsible for waking me up, asked if she had school today. I didn't know. She climbed into my bed and proceeded to pull my eyelids up while I struggled to put my brain in gear.

My son found us and prepared to pounce on the bed... because, well, boys pounce... constantly. I told him that if he should "accidentally" pounce on my bladder, there would be an "accident."

This statement tickled them so much they burst into a rousing rendition of the Frito Bandito song with the lyrics, "I-I-I have to peeeee! I am a Peeto Bandito!"

I figured I could think better in the bathroom, where there wasn't so much noise. It was there that it dawned on me that it was, indeed, a school day. Thank goodness!

On to drill sergeant mode:

"Tell me, have you eaten yet?

"How short can those pant legs get?

"Don't forget to make your bed.

"Brush your hair -- it's on your head!

"Sound off! One, two..."

While the kids were being schooled, I sat at my computer and tried to make it see reason. When it didn't, I called my husband, who I am pretty sure is part human and part computer. I recite the current error message to him and try to act intelligent when he walks me through it. Usually, he gets disgusted with me and tells me to reboot it.

"Couldn't I just drop-kick it?" I asked.

I guess writing will have to wait. I'll just go fight with my dishwasher now. I have to push the "Start" button at least a half-dozen times. As soon as it starts, the "Heat Dry" button lights up as well. I don't really want Heat Dry activated, because if the dishes aren't spotless, then the spots will become permanently etched into the surface of the dishes. Using Heat Dry is the equivalent of putting them into a kiln. I punch the Heat Dry button off. The dishwasher goes on strike. *Sigh* ... It's going to be another one of those days.

I dragged the vacuum cleaner out. After bending down to throw missed lint and tiny bits paper back into its path multiple times, I realized that my vacuum cleaner didn't suck -- and this is a bad thing when it comes to vacuum cleaners.

I spent nearly an hour digging hair, thread, string and Easter grass out of the beater brushes with a seam ripper. When I finished, I tried again and, hallelujah! ... it sucked. (In case you were wondering, this is a good thing.)

Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to get the fried bug carcasses out of my kitchen lights. The vacuum cleaner might seem like a good idea now that it sucked. Unfortunately, it is an upright vacuum cleaner, not an upside-down one. Darn!

I would put them in the dishwasher, but if the Heat Dry comes on, we'd be having bug barbecue for dinner. If my oven ever stops working, I can always use the Heat Dry cycle.

Since bug barbecue is not what I wanted for dinner, I approached the freezer. No matter how much I pleaded with it, the freezer would not produce a single thing with which I could make a meal for five: a half-link of Polish sausage, a box of breaded shrimp from two years ago (we didn't like it then either), two grape popsicles (how did the kids miss those?), and an open bag of frozen cauliflower with cheese sauce (I had picked the cheese chunks out three months ago to make an off-the-cuff macaroni and cheese dinner).

Hoping for ideas, I looked at my computer, skeptically.

Maybe I could find something on the Internet? No way, I thought. The way that computer has been treating me lately, I'm likely to throw it into the path of the vacuum cleaner and let the vacuum do its job.

[By LAURA SNYDER]

Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at [e-mail] or visit www.lauraonlife.com for more info.