 We must've accidentally let something live go down there. A drain
monster with the instincts of a beaver is building a dam to make the
experience more tolerable.He could have taken the water slide
experience as an adventure and ridden it all the way to the end. But
no, maybe he had already taken the trip down to my septic tank and
decided it was not a place he'd like to visit again.
If he had set up his household there, he couldn't very well
invite guests. It was kind of... yucky.
So this time, on the way down the water slide to hell, he must've
decided to get a foothold on a piece of peanut butter stuck to the
side of our pipes. To make his position less precarious, our drain
beaver collected stuff for his new home from the deluge of flotsam
that continuously flows down our drain.
"A carrot peel here, elbow macaroni there and... voila! Wait...
what's that? Will you look at that? A twist tie! That will really
tie in the whole décor!
"Now I need some spackling for the walls to seal the drafts.
How's a drain beaver expected to do quality work without the proper
materials?
"I smell spaghetti! That means meat fat, noodles and, holy cow,
hamburger! With that I'll be able to perfect my Art Sicko motif. Ah,
home sweet home!"...
"Honey, the drain's backing up again."
"I just cleared that drain two months ago!"
"I know, but it's clogged again."
"What have you been putting down there?"
A withering glare and then, "Barbie heads and double-A batteries,
of course. What do you think?"
[to top of second column] |
 "Well, the bathroom drain had half a Hot Wheels car in it last
week... the top half."
(If anyone is wondering what the formula for half a Hot Wheels
is, it's one mail truck running over a Hot Wheels car... twice. That
would be mt/hw2, I believe.)
"Yes, and I'm probably the one who decided it belonged in the
drain. In fact, I give the children daily lessons on how to
effectively clog the drains so that you'll have something to do on
the weekends."
"OK, I get it! It wasn't your fault."
One hour later... "Honey, I've taken the trap off and there is no
clog here."
"So you're saying it was my imagination that was backing up last
night's dinner into the sink?"
"No," he's annoyed now, "but there is no clog in this section. It
must be farther along. Let's try some drain cleaner."
Our tenacious drain beaver must've received the eviction notice,
because the water slide is now sluicing my flotsam at maximum
capacity. I hope his relocation works out for him this time. I know
it has for me.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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