 It's the same feeling you get after your house has been freshly
painted. It feels like a new home.Not that the old you was so
bad, but with the new you can conquer the world. It shows in your
attitude. It's written all over your face. People might even comment
that there is something different about you… and it's not just your
clothes.
So if new clothes make you feel so good, why do we go to so much
trouble to make sure nobody knows they are new?
When I was growing up, getting a new pair of sneakers was cause
for a private celebration. But what did we do? We took those
sneakers out in the yard, rolled them in dirt and beat the stuffing
out of them with a baseball bat until you could tell someone you'd
had them for months and they would believe it. It was apparently OK
to allow one's friends to think they were not very observant.
When we acquired a new pair of jeans, we were ecstatic in spite
of the amount of effort and laundry detergent required to make them
look like they weren't… a new pair of jeans.
"New? Nah, I've had these for years."
I believe the idea here was to make your friends think you had
lost so much weight you could fit into your old jeans again.
It made sense that getting your sister's hand-me-down jeans would
be the best scenario: "new" jeans without all the work.
Unfortunately, we -- like teenagers everywhere -- did not make sense
at all. Hand-me-downs were an embarrassment to be avoided at all
costs. You'd go naked before you'd allow your sister to comment on
"her" jeans within earshot of your friends.
What should we blame for this lack of common sense? In my
opinion, it all started with permanent-press shirts. We didn't want
the work of ironing shirts, but to wear one with wrinkles meant you
were probably brought up by wolves. Permanent press meant you never
have to iron shirts again, right? Not really. But it was all the
excuse we needed.
Present day, if there are a few wrinkles in your shirt (even
permanent press) you are considered "cool." If your hair has the
just-rolled-out-of-bed look, you're not lazy, you're fashionable. If
you also haven't shaved in three days, you are nominated for
Man-of-the Year.
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 Shortly after permanent press came pre-washed jeans. New jeans
without the work! The collective cry went up: Huzzah! They were more
expensive, but to many of us, they were well worth it. When we got
holes in them, our moms put patches on them. That soon became a
fashion faux pas just like hand-me-downs. So rather than making
patches the "in" thing, we made holes the "in" thing. What?!
Now we can buy jeans pre-frayed and perforated with lots of
holes, and they cost MORE money than perfectly intact jeans!
Similarly, in the case of bikinis, the less fabric there is, the
more it costs. Oooh! That really burns my bagels!... Not that I
could wear a bikini anyway.
It's only a matter of time before we will be able to buy
pre-smudged eyewear at twice the price of the spotless pair.
We can look forward to buying premium bathtubs with soap scum
rings permanently engraved into the enamel and mirrors with
pre-etched water spots.
How about cars that come with the "rusted look" option? Only $300
more! Another $200 if you want the "rear-ended look." Shopping-cart
dings are $50 each.
The most sought-after china pattern will have gravy stains and
risotto decorating the rims.
Premium carpeting will come with Kool-Aid stains and pet hair.
And Macy's will sell men's underwear with skid marks embroidered in
them.
However, only those people with the most discerning tastes will
buy these items. They are, of course, those people with more money…
and less sense.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated
columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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