 My mother, my daughter and I went on a cruise together. Of course we
did not go on this cruise to find out each other's personal habits.
We are family. We thought we already knew them. But this was our
first cruise, so, of course, we didn't.My daughter is 13 years
old and, judging by the amount of time she spent reading in the
cabin, my mom and I were driving her nuts.
Our first night was little rough for all of us. The sea was
particularly choppy. Even the guy teaching people the cha-cha was
wobbling.
"... and kick, and ... whoa!"
People were stumbling around as if they had too much to drink.
Though it was easy to tell the people who did have too much to
drink. They were the ones who could stand upright. No one in our
cabin got sick, but I'll admit to thinking I was going to be.
Things were looking a bit better the next morning. Then began
what we fondly called "The Dining Wars." I wanted to experience
everything the ship had to offer, even if it was cold scrambled eggs
on the Lido Deck. Mom wanted to eat in the main dining room "where
the rich people eat," but she didn't want to do it alone. I
understood my mother's need for dining consistency and was perfectly
happy to do my "experiencing" alone, but she wouldn't have it.
Added to that, my daughter's growth spurt had temporarily ceased
to exist and, as a result, she didn't want to eat anything...
anywhere... ever.
She ate enough to keep her alive, but, seriously, how much
nourishment does one need to sit in the cabin and read?
Mom only liked the Lido Deck when she could snag a food item she
could take back to the cabin and "save for later" ... as if you
couldn't get anything you wanted 24 hours a day.
It was not surprising to see her pull a hard-boiled egg out of
her pocket while we did a crossword puzzle in the evening or watch
six or seven Sweet'N Low packets fall out of her coat during the
security checks.
My mom is a very organized person. Almost as soon as we arrived,
she pulled everything out of her suitcases and put the contents in
the appropriate drawers and closets in our cabin. My daughter and I
were pretty sure we wouldn't be allowed to stay longer than the five
days we paid for, so we worked out of our suitcases the entire trip.
Mom never said anything, but I'm positive she was thinking, "How can
they live like that?"
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 Packing and unpacking were just two more unnecessary steps that I
was unwilling to take on my vacation. If my clothes seemed more
rumpled than Mom's, so be it. There was nobody on that boat I needed
to impress.
There were a million things to do onboard: swimming, mini golf,
gambling, shows, eating. Mom's husband was certain, though he'd
never been on a cruise in his life, that the only reason to go on a
cruise was to pick up men. We looked everywhere for the sign-up
sheet, but we never found it.
We sampled every dessert we could get our hands on. If there was
filet mignon or lobster tails, we ordered it. If there was a stray
orange on a buffet, it went into my mom's pocket.
My daughter bought a small bag of jelly beans at the ship store
and subsisted primarily on those the entire trip.
She also adopted my mom's penchant for snatching random
foodstuffs from the buffet and squirreling it away in her luggage.
By the end of the trip, my daughter had an apple, a half-pound of
jelly beans and a barely touched yogurt cup stashed in there.
Mom's drawer held clean underwear, an extra umbrella, a handful
of chocolate-covered raisins and an instant oatmeal packet -- all
neatly arranged as if the captain might do an inspection.
Stuffed into my tennis shoe, I hoarded a bag of Swedish fish, my
stash of little chocolates that they leave on your pillow every
night, a package of Dramamine and a banana. Grandma used to say
they'll keep you regular.
As far as I can tell, cruising is all about what you bring back
with you. In our case, it was about 10 extra pounds of body fat.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated
columnist, author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info.
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