|
 We
all read about Pastor Jeff's latest tribulation in the local paper,
the Valley Weekly Miracle. Maybe tribulation is too strong a word,
because, after all, when someone leaves your church a huge legacy,
isn't it time for rejoicing? Shouldn't we all be walking around the
walls of Jericho tootling on ram's horns and beating the drums in
jubilation?
It seems one of Pastor Jeff's former church members - a kinda
strange former church member - went off to the city some years ago
and became a fairly well-known painter of pictures. When this
eccentric artist went to that great studio in the sky recently,
leaving no family, his will left everything to Pastor Jeff's
congregation. There was a little money, which was welcomed,
naturally, but the main item was paintings. More than a thousand of
them. They are now the property of Pastor Jeff's church. They have
filled the basement with them and they're threatening to crowd the
pie-cooling counter in the ladies' kitchen area, which just can't
happen.
They must be sold, of course, but there is one catch: none of them
are named, and everyone knows a painting must have a name or else
it's not a real work of art. These paintings are from the school of
abstract expressionism, which means there's a lot of bright paint on
them, and if you can look at one and figure out what it's supposed
to be, the artist failed.
A painting-naming committee was formed, naturally,
and the last we heard, had about a dozen paintings named, based
loosely on what some wild curve or blob on the canvas brought to
someone's mind.
Of course, down at the Mule Barn truck stop's philosophy counter and
world dilemma think tank, we came up with a solution in about three
cups' time.
The trick, we decided, is to blend nonsensical words together,
because anyone who would buy one of these paintings has an obvious
contempt for reality in the first place. So we came up with a
formula. [to top of second
column] |
Make a list and name a painting AN:
amalgamation/
dynamism/
cataclysm/
rudiment/
despotism/
heraldry/
approximation
OF:
sin/
pulchritude/
embellishment/
innocence/
hitchiking/
world order/
fishing season/
spaghetti feeds/
lassitude/
ennui/
cyclamates.
You simply pick one from one list, one from the other list, slap 'em
together and there you go. With seven in the first column and 11 in
the second column, the naming committee can instantly name at least
77 paintings. And this was just during three cups of Mavis's best. A
hard-working church committee could name a thousand paintings during
one of Pastor Jeff's sermons and be back in business in time for the
benediction.
I’m putting my dibs down on Despotism of Pulchritude.
Hope I don’t get outbid.
[Text from file received from
Slim Randles]
Read the
first novel ever published in Alaska - The Long Dark by Slim Randles.
https://archive.org/details/longdark0000slim
 |
