How to connect with old friends and why it matters
[November 17, 2025]
By CATHY BUSSEWITZ
NEW YORK (AP) — When Jennifer Austin met Molly in second grade, they
quickly became best friends. They giggled through classes until the
teacher separated them, inspiring them to come up with their own
language. They shared sleepovers and went on each other's family
vacations.
But they gradually drifted apart after Austin's family moved to Germany
before the girls started high school. Decades passed before they
recently reconnected as grown women.
“Strong friendships really do stay for the long haul," Austin, 51, said.
"Even if there are pauses in between and they fade, that doesn’t mean
they completely dissolve or they go forgotten. They’re always there kind
of lingering like a little light in the back.”
Early friendships are some of the deepest: the schoolmates who shared
bike rides and their favorite candy. The roommates who offered comfort
after breakups. The ones who know us, sometimes better than we know
ourselves.
But as adults take on jobs and the responsibilities of homes and
families, it can be challenging to stay connected with everyone we've
loved.
Technology plays a role, too. Loneliness has increased since the
television was invented and intensified with the introduction of
smartphones, according to psychologist Marisa Franco, a University of
Maryland assistant clinical professor and author of “Platonic,” a book
about the science of attachment.
Once they've lost touch with friends, some people are reluctant to reach
out, fearing rejection. But most of those on the receiving end
appreciate the effort more than we expect, Franco said.
“People are delighted to hear from their old friends and open to
connections,” she said.
Franco suggests reminiscing about a shared memory to span the time and
distance. It can be something as simple as, "This pic came up and I just
realized I wanted to check in on you,” she said. Propose a meetup. If
the friend lives far away, try scheduling a phone date to catch up.
Below, six people who tried to rekindle lost friendships reflect on
distance, loss and reconnection.
A missing piece
Heather Robb and Laine DiPasquantonio were nearly inseparable in their
20s, when they both lived in Boston. They went to concerts and
vacationed together. DiPasquantonio was there when Robb met her future
husband and attended their wedding as a bridesmaid.
But sometime after Robb married and DiPasquantonio moved to Colorado,
their circle of friends scattered. They became busy raising children,
juggling jobs and caring for aging parents.
“It’s terrible because you don’t know it’s happening,” Robb, 60, said in
a joint interview. “I think it was simply space and time. We were all in
different cities, we were all in that busy time of toddlers.”
Years passed with occasional holiday cards and texts but few meaningful
interactions. DiPasquantonio saw photos on social media of Robb skiing
and traveling with other friends. “I wasn’t sure there was so much room
for me, from a distance,” she said.
“Aww, I feel badly about that,” Robb replied. “I would argue that's the
bad side of social media.”
The women found their way back to each other when Robb, president of
Heather Robb Communications, had a business trip to Denver in April. She
called to see if DiPasquantonio wanted to get dinner. “I didn’t know if
she was going to be that happy to hear from me. I actually had some
trepidation in reaching out," Robb said.
When she did, Robb learned her friend was about to undergo surgery for
breast cancer. Instead of meeting for dinner, DiPasquantonio, a
placement specialist at Harmony Senior Referrals, invited Robb to stay
for the weekend. A mutual friend flew out to join them.
“I was so tickled that you called and wanted to get together. It was
awesome,” DiPasquantonio, 63, said during their interview. “What took us
so long, right?”
They've remained close since.
“It just feels so good. It feels like there was a missing piece,” Robb
said.
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Kim Ventresca, 22, writes in a journal at Union Square Park in
Manhattan on Nov. 6, 2025. (AP Photo/Cathy Bussewitz)
 Just do it
Reyna Dominguez, 18, had the same best friend since first grade. But
when Dominguez moved from Long Island to Brooklyn, her friend began
college. Dominguez started working in a salon and their schedules
didn't align. About six months passed without communication.
After graduating cosmetology school, Dominguez texted her friend to
share the news.
“I was a bit anxious that she was not going to respond. But she did,
and I was so relieved and happy,” Dominguez said.
Now they're in touch about once a month and planning to get
together.
“It’s important to stay in touch because sometimes I do get lonely,
like I have no one to really talk to,” Dominguez said. "But with
her, she knows all about my life."
Dominguez encourages anyone considering reaching out to an old
friend to go ahead. “I say just do it. You have nothing to lose,”
she said. “I guess the worst they could do is not respond to you,
but I feel like you’ll still be happy with the thought, ‘I tried.’”
Staying close
Andrew Snyder’s best friend since 5th grade lives a plane ride away,
but that hasn’t stopped them from keeping in touch. They call or
email each other at least once a month and see each other several
times per year.
At key points in their lives, they've visited each others' homes “so
when we talk about things, we actually can understand," said Snyder,
50, who teaches philosophy and economics in New York City.
Living in different cities means it requires work to stay connected,
but it's important to Snyder, who feels that friendships are
thinning out as people spend more time looking at cellphone screens.
“Friendship and cooking your own food, and exercising and being
outside, these are the things that used to be real life, and now I
think they’re all fading,” Snyder said. “I don’t think the real
issue is time anymore. I think the real issue is a sense of
overwhelm and a sense of depletion that we all feel.”
No regrets
Kim Ventresca, 22, drifted from her best friend while attending
college. She reached out a few times and they reconnected when the
friend was having a rough time. But they stopped talking again when
Ventresca was going through mental health and relationship
challenges. Eventually, the other young woman told Ventresca she no
longer wanted to be friends.
“I’ve got some new friends now, and I feel like it’s probably better
because some things happen for a reason,” she said. “I’m hoping that
she’s alright and that she is doing OK.”
Ventresca, who works as a social media manager and receptionist in
New Jersey, said she still recommends reaching out to missed
friends, even if it's awkward.
“The worst thing that happens is you get 'left on read' or delivered
or declined,” she said.
Secret language
After Austin's family moved to Germany, she didn't see her childhood
best friend again for 20 years, through a chance meeting on a New
York City subway platform. They reconnected briefly, but contact
lapsed again.
Molly's 2021 visit with one of her children to a college near
Austin's home provided another chance to restore the friendship.
They’ve remained close since.
“Something at that point just shifted," Austin, owner of KindPoint
Communications, said. "Things really picked up and we just basically
outright said, ’Let’s just keep this momentum going. Let’s not wait
another 20 years.'”
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